Well, at Farmville’s peak, it is reported to have had around about ONE HUNDRED MILLIONS USERS. I’m not kidding… A HUNDRED MILLION people were sitting around tending virtual farms. And that doesn’t even count the amount of people in countries like Vietnam and China who are tending virtual farms on other sites because Facebook is banned in their country.

Seriously. Can you imagine what would happen if ALL of those people had to plant a single head of corn for every week they spent using Farmville ? Just imagine it. It would solve world hunger in a second. It’s amazing the way electronic activities can storm the world and become a global phenomenon, but imagine if they had a REAL impact. What if Farmville popped up a message every week and said “It’s time to plant something real now. With the money we have generated from advertising we have posted you some seeds in the mail. Go and put them in the garden now and we’ll remind you to water them every day that you log in. You can either use the food to lower your weekly grocery bill or you can donate them to people more needy than yourself who don’t have the time to waste 21 hours a week on Farmville like you do”. It could solve world hunger in a second, if Zynga actually gave a fuck about people instead of conning people into tending virtual crops in order to line their own pockets with cash.

Is this possible ? Could we ever use a worthless online activity to encourage people to perform good deeds in the real world ? Even if only 10% of all Farmville users grew a few items of food in their backyard and planted something new every week and donated their crop to charity, it could feed millions of people. Wouldn’t that be AWESOME ?

So, for every 20 hours you spend on Farmville, Zynga send you a packet of seeds and you spend 5 minutes planting them and 2 minutes a day watering them, and the end result is that starving people have food. Fuck. Is that possible ? Can we do that ? Apparently stupid people with time to waste online is a harvestable product in itself. Something that could be harnessed for good and not just advertising profit. Suddenly Zynga and all its users could not only make money, but be responsible for saving lives. Win-Win, right ?

People are lazy. Many don’t even remember to feed their fish sometimes. But they sure as hell remember to log into Facebook and tend their virtual crops regularly don’t they ? Because they are constantly REMINDED to do so. Maybe that’s all we need. Someone to say “Hey, go outside for two minutes and water your corn. It’s almost harvest time and a REAL starving child is relying on that food”.

Also, if someone poked me and said “Hey, I’m going away for a week, would you mind dropping in and watering my REAL lettuce crop ?” I wouldn’t feel the insatiable urge to hate them, de-friend them, and make a voodoo doll in their likeness and stab it repeatedly. That’s all I’m sayin’.

It’s not meant to be a place where you can copy and paste bullshit Hallmark-style nonsense where you pretend to care. People post these pretentious, cheesy little messages about the importance of being a nice person, or a little message about being aware of mental illness that they saw on someone ELSE’S status, most likely with a message at the bottom that says “If you care about this, please post this as your status for at least one hour”, so that you feel like if you DON’T post it, you are an arsehole and you DON’T care.

Sometimes people just post garbage. I have a close friend who seriously abuses status messages to send meaningless messages to his girlfriend. He once updated his status to say “Honey, can you pour me another drink ?” as part of a dozen-update evening. It completely spams your homepage to the point where you have to consider ignoring certain friends’ updates. I like this person and I’d like to know what they do in life. I just don’t need to know when they pour a drink, have dinner, take a shit, or go to bed. I don’t care if you feel sleepy, or if you think it’s hot today. Not if you’re going to tell me shit like that a dozen times a day.

And I ESPECIALLY don’t want to know that you just attained level 53 in Frontierville and that you desperately need someone to give you a hammer. You can block games-related messages, but the very idea that you have to opt-out of this nonsense is absurd. Some people I know have over 600 apps installed, so I literally have to just tell Facebook “Block all app-related messages”, which is a shame because it is vaguely possible that those messages could serve a useful purpose. I’ve just never seen that happen.

I know people who keep Facebook open all day, and that’s ok. That’s fine. Keep it open so you can stay in contact with people if you want. But maybe don’t spend all day playing Farmville. Honestly, if you spent 4 hours a day playing World of Warcraft instead of taking care of your kids and cleaning the house, people would probably look down on you. But for some reason most people just ignore it when you spend that amount of time tending your virtual farm or playing a pet game that involves producing unusually shaped dog poo. NO I WILL NOT WATER YOUR LETTUCE CROP WHILE YOU’RE ON HOLIDAY !

Yes, I DID re-enable my Facebook account. I just don’t use it regularly. I make it send its email to an address that is no longer in use, and I might log in once a month just to make sure noone desperately needs me. This year I have made only one status update, and it’s almost mid-year. I don’t need to tell you that I’m sleepy or bored, because you probably have a lot of friends and if everyone did that you would be flooded with updates. Maybe I might let you know if I’m living in a foreign country and post you a video of where I live, just so that people I really care about can go “Oh, that’s what’s going on in pawz’s life.. he’s in Bangkok”. I’m just not going to announce what I had for fucking breakfast, nor am I going to pose and be pretentious by posting stupid feel-good messages about shit.

And I’m not going to tell you what I “like”. If you know me, then you know what I like, or we can chat and I’ll tell you. I don’t need to announce it to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KONG. You’re not going to see the message “pawz likes Tiger beer” and go “Oh wow. I think I’ll have a Tiger because pawz likes it”. And it shouldn’t be a conversation starter. If you need me to tell you what sort of beer I drink in order to have a conversation with me, then we’re probably not really friends. If my beer preference mattered to you, you would just ask me. I don’t need to broadcast it. Get to know me by getting to know me, not by reading a stupid one-line pseudo-advertisement.

And I don’t care about your fucking causes either. Yes, it’s great that you’re a fan of the World Wildlife Fund. But are you REALLY ? Or did you just think that’d look good on your status. Do you donate ? Do you subscribe to their newsletter ? If it’s something we might share in common, there’s a good chance I already know you might be into that, and it’s something we’ve probably already had a conversation about. When I was at Kuala Lumpur airport in Malaysia, I noticed they have huge posters that stretch from the floor to the ceiling advertising the fight against people smuggling. At the bottom of every advert it invited people to “Like” the Facebook page the government had setup.

Really ? You want me to “Like” not liking people smuggling ? Apart from that being a double negative, so what ? Where’s the button where I can say that I DO like people smuggling. I want to press it just to make you question my announcement. Who the fuck would actually LIKE people smuggling. Why don’t you just announce “I LIKE not killing babies with an axe”. Really ? Wow, coz I thought everyone DID like killing babies with an axe. Way to state the fucking obvious. Do you really think that clicking a button is a form of positive action ? Do you think that people smugglers, smuggling child prostitutes into Australia are going to go “Oh shit. 1,843,857 people DON’T like people smuggling ? I had no idea. I should find a new line of work !”

No you dolt, it means NOTHING. It is NOT affirmative action. It does NOT change anyone else’s viewpoint, or send aid to the needy. Not liking people smuggling by hitting a button is precisely as effective as saying “Pray for Japan” on Twitter after a quake, a tsunami and a nuclear meltdown. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN DIFFERENCE ! You are contributing nothing to the world except creating more spam. So don’t do it.

I get the argument people make when they say “I don’t want to be on Facebook… but I have to be. Even my GRANDMOTHER is on Facebook”. Yes, I understand that. I have friends in foreign countries that I don’t want to lose touch with if they change their phone number or their email address and forget to inform me. That’s why I’m on Facebook. Because it’s a good way of connecting with people. But I only have 12 friends on Facebook. And one of them is a cat. No, seriously. A cat.

But being on Facebook to stay in touch with granny doesn’t excuse you if you use it to announce that you hate broccoli, or that you just harvested your corn on Farmville, or that it’s hot today. I don’t care. If we were chatting, I’d be happy for you to tell me that stuff (well, apart from the Farmville thing), so if we are chatting, tell me. Tell me something because you have a REASON to tell me it. Not because you just want to announce it to your 848 friends.

More friends is just more people you don’t really care about. You don’t really need to stay in contact with that smelly kid from grade 4 who you spoke to once in the cafeteria. It really won’t help your life, and in fact, all it’s going to do is make you judge him or yourself. Life is a game, but you don’t need to be constantly comparing yourself to people you really don’t know. Sure, stay in contact with the people truly important to you. But that doesn’t mean you have to literally “friend” every single person you meet in your life. If they are not someone you would accept an invitation to dinner with, then they’re not your friend, so stop pretending they are.

A kid called Ross Gardiner who is an English teacher in South Korea made a great little video back in late 2010 that was featured in a recent documentary on Facebook. I’m not saying you have to follow his advice and delete your Facebook account. But just think about what he says in this video and ask yourself: “Do I really need to tell EVERYONE everything and have 848 friends ? Or would it be better if I just had a few friends that I really care about and actually have the time to give a fuck about ?”

Think about it before you make that next status update or confirm that next friend request from some idiot you never really liked anyway. Now, I’ll let Ross say it even more eloquently and without speaking a single word. I especially recommend you turn out the lights, turn up the sound, and view this video fullscreen for maximum effect. It’s well done.

Now, I’m not going to say that I support whaling, or shark-finning or any of that shit. I mean, I don’t even get finning, because shark is delicious, so I find it odd that people to fin sharks and throw the rest back, but that’s not the point. Those things are, arguably, morally wrong. But they’re not always legally wrong.

But what Paul Watson and his band of misfits do IS wrong. They are a terror (albeit a somewhat laughable one) on the high seas. They interfere with boats conducting what is for the most part, legal fishing activities because THEY don’t agree with it. They endanger people’s lives. They attack boats, they ram them, they throw acid on them and their crew. They put people’s lives in danger. In short, they are a bunch of fucking douches.

So, the Sea Shepherd were in Costa Rica, being as douchey as usual and harassing a boat which was allegedly engaged in illegal shark-finning operations. And of course they stepped in… made a citizens arrest and then demanded they turn around and allow themselves to be escorted back into port. I imagine this must have taken some form of pretty heavy coercion, which is what the boat’s crew are saying – that the crew of the Sea Shepherd tried to kill them. However, in an epic show of strength, a gunboat was despatched to intercept the Sea Shepherd and give them a pretty serious talking to. Oh to have witnessed that awesome checkmate.

Now, Paul Watson has been arrested in Germany and faces extradition to Costa Rica to stand trial for his crimes of bullying and threats. What he actually did is yet to come out, but naturally his crew are playing innocent and saying “Oh no. We did nothing wrong. We just asked the boat politely to follow us back into harbour. We have no idea why they sent a GUNBOAT out to intercept us. That was totally uncalled for”. Lulz.

I hope this fat, arrogant, crazy fucker drops the soap in a German prison and gets what’s coming to him. He’s a serial pest and it’s about time he got a good Assanging. I doubt he’s quite as smart as Julian though, so I expect he’s just gonna huff and puff and stamp his foot and go “It’s not fair ! Leave the wittwe fishies awone !”

Fuck you Paul Watson. Please change your nationality. I hate the fact that you’re Australian.

And the winner of the 2012 biggest douche in the universe award goes to.... PAUL WATSON !

Bye Bye Meow.

Firstly is that old classic which EVERYONE from the DOS VGA era of gaming remembers so fondly. The pre-cursor to Doom and really one of the first, proper first person shooters ever. I present to you…

Yes, it’s Wolfenstein 3D. The awesome game where you get to kill nazis and their pets ! Who could forget those great cries of “Achtung !” and when you kill Spengler, he screams “Mein Laben !” as he falls to the floor. This game honestly taught me most of the German I know (yeah, I don’t know much) and the sound effects are just great. The yelps the alsatians let out as they spurt blood when you shoot them are just epic. Killing dogs has never been so much fun.

Sadly this game didn’t appear to work properly on my android tablet. It sort of did, but it would sometimes fail to load properly, and when it did run, I could figure out no way to control it since even when using a bluetooth keyboard, my arrow keys would simply get sent to the browser itself and not the applet within the browser. Maybe it’s possible, because the game does feature mouse support and even the menus are clickable with the touchscreen, but I couldn’t make it work unfortunately. Your mileage may vary, and I haven’t yet tried on an iOS device, but this is still a great game to play on a laptop, and being able to bring it up on any browser and skip to any level means that you can find something else to while away those hours when the boss is out of the office without subjecting yourself to Fakebook. Enjoy those dogs yelping in pain ! Oh, and don’t try and say I’m sick for enjoying killing them. They’re NAZI dogs, remember ?

The other game that I loved to bits and honestly still play on a semi-regular basis to this day is one that maybe you don’t know. Many gamers from that era don’t. It’s a rather unusual Sierra title which is actually a computerised board game of sorts, a little bit like “The Game of Life” or something, only far, far more addictive and fun. It is…

Jones In The Fast Lane. Yes, that awesome multi-player game where you race your friends to be the first to achieve your goals in happiness, wealth, education and employment by studying, applying for better jobs and dealing with the pitfalls of life. Look honestly, this is quite simply, the most enjoyable game I have ever played, bar none. It’s not specifically the game I was most addicted to, but it’s the one game that I still play regularly, more than TWENTY YEARS later. How many games can you think of that stand up to that test ?

The absolute best thing about this game is that it includes a feature that never existed in the original for a very obvious reason… you can play it online over the internet now ! There’s only one thing that could make Jones a better game than it already was, and it’s internet play, and thankfully, now you can not only play it ON the internet in your web browser, but you can play it OVER the internet with a friend on the other side of the planet. I literally did this, playing a game with a friend from Australia when I was in Vietnam. It even includes a chat feature in-game.

The game has progressed from the original version with midi audio, to now including the full cd-audio and speech of the enhanced version which was released later. The game is an absolutely flawless recreation of the Sierra classic and I am just so thrilled that it’s now available and also that Vivendi (Sierra’s current owner) have not threatened legal action. The fact is, games like this deserve to be played by everyone. Also, I’m thrilled to say that this game works just as flawlessly on an iPad or Android device. You can play Jones anywhere now, with an opponent anywhere in the world ! This game is just timeless and with the new features and perfect operation on tablet, is now even more fun than the day it was first released. Just don’t forget to buy clothes when you’re warned and don’t let your food spoil !

There are other online versions of classic DOS games I could mention, but if I started, I would probably never stop. Two excellent sites in particular which provide such games are DosDose and RGB Classic Games where you can find such classics as Lemmings, Prince of Persia, Pirates!, Scorched Earth, Leisure Suit Larry and others. Also worthy of special mention is Sarien.net who provide a few Sierra games including the awesome Space Quest 1, which all work great on a tablet.

But if you are as big a fan of the two that I’ve featured, jump online and play Wolfenstein 3D and Jones in the Fast Lane right now !

Ingredients

• 500 grams beef mince
• Plain flour
• 2 eggs
• Parsley
• Basil
• Minced garlic
• Oregano
• 2 large onions
• 1 packet taco sauce mix
• chilli powder
• 400g tin of kidney beans
• 200g diced tomato
• 1 jar Bolognese sauce

Directions

Ok, I’ve explained how to make meatballs before but I’d better do it again. I didn’t make crumbed ones this time. Just plain ones. Take your mince, add two egg yolks and add parsley, basil and oregano to taste. Form into balls. Roll them in flour. Putting them in the fridge for half an hour helps them harden up and stick together more as well. That was easy wasn’t it ?

I like my kidney beans mashed in most mexican meals except for chilli con carne, so that’s what I did. Mash them up nicely with a fork. Dice your onions. Add some oil to a large saucepan on high heat and throw in the onion and a generous helping of basil, oregano and minced garlic. Stir briefly and then add in your diced tomato and stir thoroughly for a few seconds and then add the jar of bolognese sauce. You could use tomato paste instead, but if you do, double the quantity of diced tomatoes. Add your mashed beans.

Let this boil lightly for a few minutes then add your packet of taco seasoning and begin adding chilli to taste. Throw in your uncooked meatballs. Simmer on low heat for an hour or more, stirring fairly regularly. I love letting it simmer for a long time. You will need to add water because the beans are going to make it turn quite thick. Taste test and add more chilli if needed.

This meal is a delicious variation on regular meatballs. The mashed kidney beans make the sauce nice and thick, and the taco seasoning and chilli gives it a firey, mexican flavour. I like to serve this meal on its own. It needs nothing. It’s a good meal to eat out of a bowl while watching tv or something. Simple, tasty and it reheats well. No photo because it’s just not attractive enough a meal to photograph sorry !

Before I get to see the video I see the comments and I facepalm totally. Comments such as “Very good !! I love your skirt and your top :D” …. Ok… I do know this song (yes, I am that sad) and I can only imagine what Cuca is wearing to inspire that response. I’m angry already.

Why ? Because Cuca’s barely 11 if that, and despite being talented, there are way too many people who post creepy comments on her videos. And when a 10-11 year old dances to a happy song in a spotted bikini and people comment on the outfit your jaw sort of hangs open and you go “oh come on.. could you NOT contain your pedo desires, weirdo ?”

I love when Cuca dresses up in amusing outfits to suit the song, and this one was ok I suppose, but seriously. Comment on her. Don’t comment on the outfits. Jesus H Christ.. leave the girl alone you weirdos. Sorry if I feel protective of Cuca, but I do. She’s my adorable little japanese talented daughter that I wish was my own. She’s NOT SOMETHING TO MAKE THOSE SORT OF COMMENTS ABOUT.

So anyway. Yes, actually, her performance WAS really good. I mean apart from the fact that it was incredibly energetic, the fact is, that particular song has some adorable moves. Some of it is pretty corny and to be honest I had a really, really hard time keeping a straight face through this video. When she does the really energetic moves and does the backwards egyptian style steps in profile to the camera and the crazy star jumps I find it very hard not to burst out laughing, but when she does the “doki doki doki doki doki” bits… Ok. That is pretty awesome. It’s not weird, not hilarious or anything like that. It’s cool.

Cuca, you really are progressing as a dancer. Ok, your singing clearly needs work, especially in this song, but your effort and enthusiasm and dancing talent. Well, it’s clear you have what it takes to make it. Sayumi Michishige couldn’t sing to save her own life either when she joined MoMusu, but she got taught and got better and she became a great idol due to her personality and her dancing talent and she DOES have some singing moments where she does a fine job.

Honestly I think it’s pretty clear why noone has picked Cuca up by now. It’s not about her singing. It’s just that despite being about 11 now… she still looks like she did when she was 8. She’s too young looking. Even Berryz Koubou, despite being young, had a fairly adolescent, sexualised look. Cuca just looks like a kid. She even looks too young to join the H!P Kids. Honestly, it’s the only thing I can think of to explain why she hasn’t been signed.

But, I wonder. Has someone contacted her parents yet ? Surely they have. Come on.. Japan loves a child star, and Cuca is one of the best. SOMEONE has her waiting in the wings, I just know it. I’ll be really mad if it’s NOT Tsunku to be honest. Cuca deserves his talent and exposure. But, ok. If he doesn’t see it, I’ll be glad if someone else does.

Just, for fuck’s sake.. Dont comment on her outfit in this video. It’s a song-relevant costume. Stop pervin’ on my Cuca you weirdos. Call her cute, call her song awesome and mention her talent… but leave this costume alone ok ? It’s odd enough that she’s wearing it as is. It’s a great performance. That’s all.

The Internet Archive.

I have talked about them before and suggested that you give them money, but it was only in relation to something that didn’t involve me. Suddenly I wondered “Do they archive this site ?” Well, turns out they sort of do. They have spidered it once, and once only, in 2009. It wasn’t a very big site back then, and they haven’t spidered it since, but they did a good job and everything including styles and images is archived to that point. Maybe they will do it again in the future, but that’s not what this post is about.

I was laying in bed, almost asleep, and I guess I’ve been aware that my brother’s birthday is coming up next month. It’s the one birthday per year that I think about months before it arrives. And I was pondering the fact that I would again be overseas for this coming of it. Suddenly I wondered “Is Josh’s site archived on the Internet Archive ?”

Well, I got out of bed to check, and it is. It’s been spidered NINE times. The most recent of which was in December 2010. Yes, Josh’s site is heavily and repeatedly spidered it seems. Which means that our parents will have passed on, I will have passed on… god forbid, Suki and her own grandchildren will have long passed on… but you know what ? As long as that organisation still exists, which I strongly suspect it will… Josh’s site will live on. Josh’s memory will live on. There is nothing of my parent’s or my grandparent’s or anyone else in any time before me in history that will STILL be online in potentially a thousand years.

But Josh’s site will be.

When I made it it was just a tribute site because I didn’t know what else to do and how to honour him and remember all the stories about his life and pictures of him, except to create a website. But now, that site is part of an enduring, worldwide archive. Did you know that the Internet Archive bury time capsules periodically of the world’s internet history ? Human civilisation may end next year, in a thousand years, in ten thousand years or may endure for as long as our universe. But in a few thousand years, our planet will be exhausted of resources and we will most likely have moved on. But people love history. People go back and dig shit up just for the hell of it. And that’s why the Internet Archive exists. Because one day, someone IS going to dig that shit up and go “Wow, this thing says it contains all of human history as recorded by the internet in 2012, let’s go work out how to read these memory chips and see what they have to say”.

So, tomorrow, I think I need to donate a few dollars to the Internet Archive, and so should you. History was written on stone tablets, and they faded. It was captured in black and white photos, and they faded. It was captured in film and that faded too. But digital records don’t fade. As long as human civilisation exists and people care enough to keep records, things like Josh’s website will remain. Who knows. Maybe one day it will be one of the only things that do remain.

Josh, you may live forever after all, not just in our hearts while we are alive, but in the hearts of the electronic world, for as long as it exists.

I don’t really care how people want to commemorate my death. I no longer consider myself catholic, but I realise that my remaining family will no doubt want to bury me in a catholic ceremony. That’s fine. Your funeral is not for you, it’s for your family, and I’ll be dead, so what do I care ? If I can engage in a moment of whimsy, some people do choose a few special things about their funeral, particularly the three songs they want played at their funeral, and I’m going to suggest a few things. These may change in coming years, but at this point in time. I would like it if I there could be sakura blossoms present at my funeral. They’re not that hard to get and I just like them. No big deal.

The songs I want played ? Well, that’s pretty easy. There’s one for vanity, one that I love, and one just to fuck with people. Here’s what they are:

• “Shine on You Crazy Diamond” by Pink Floyd
• “Daisuki Da Yo” by Otsuka Ai
• “Inagadda Da Vida” by Iron Butterfly (the longest version)

Yes, I know that last one is a little silly, but hey. Give me one last joke after I’m gone, will you ? Besides, it validates the need for the first song. The second song is just one I love.

I do not want to be buried, but cremated. Burial is such a waste of valuable real estate and I simply cannot justify that sort of absurd vanity. I don’t want to become a rotting, worm-eaten skeleton. I want to die as a lived… in a burst of fire. What do I want done with my ashes ? Nothing special. Just scattered half in the ocean and half on the beach. It doesn’t matter which beach or where. Any will do. I don’t mind if it’s done by one person or if people want to be present.

The only other thing I ask is that my blogs be kept alive somehow. Please, if I have no money, at least sell what I have remaining that isn’t vitally important to your memory of me, and use the money to buy the cheapest webhosting available and keep my stories alive as long as possible. If I have any royalties or something from anything I’ve created, use some of them for this please. It’s not for the sake of my family reading it. It’s just that I like the idea that my thoughts still exist for people to read. I know how many people find them on Google today, and I wouldn’t mind if people continued to find them in the future after I’m gone. If you can, throw some onto some SD cards (or whatever technology you have when this finally needs implementing) and just… I dunno.. store them around the house… Bury them in concrete foundations in a glass bottle or something. Just … make sure that something I’ve written or done lives on, ok ?

Oh, and make sure everyone gets REALLY drunk and eats delicious food after my funeral please. What else is there in life but celebration, food and alcohol ? Celebrate my life, don’t commiserate my passing. Cry if you want, but don’t let it bring you down. I’m sure by the time I die I will be a ripe old age and more than happy with what I’ve done in my life. Life isn’t about achievements. It’s about experiences, and I’ve already had lots of great ones to date, so I’m sure I’ll have had lots before my final day arrives.

Oh, and if I’m ever vegetative or in the throes of serious dementia, please… up the morphine and let me die in peace. It’ll be best for everyone.