• 20Nov
    Categories: Family, Personal Comments Off

    Or very close to.

    I both didn’t want to post and I desperately wanted to post to tell you that you’re on my mind tonight. It’s only a couple of weeks from being five years since you died, but I wanted you to know that I don’t only think about you three times a year. I miss you often.

    Someone on IRC said something and Sawako, one of my IRC bots came up with a weird response that incorporated a quote from a friend from IRC who died not long ago and I thought it was intriguing the way in the bots’ mind, people don’t fade away and their memories are just as fresh as ever, and I thought how amusing it would be if I had a bot that quoted funny things you’d said. But of course I never hung out with you on IRC or on forums so I just don’t know what funny things you said online.

    I’m sitting on the beach. It’s 1am in the morning and I am across from my house on the beachfront on the esplanade. Less than 1km along the beachfront from the last place I ever saw you in fact. I can see the lights of the pier beside me to remind me of that fact. I was supposed to go visit the family, but I didn’t because I couldn’t sleep and I was tired and not feeling the best, so I just hung out at home and cleaned the house and listened to all my Vietnamese CD’s that I’d bought overseas.

    I’m hoping to do something special to mark the 5 years since you died. I want to do two things but I might not accomplish both. I want to go out to the spot where you died, where dad has a cross for you and I want to put a little tiny plaque on it. I have no idea what it will say yet, I just know that in 5 years, despite driving past it, I have no idea where you died and I have never seen that cross. It’s always been too much for me to go out there, but I have wanted to and this year I think is the year.

    I’ll of course drink Bundy for you as well. That goes without saying. I’ve done it every year no matter where I am on Earth. Even if I was in Egypt or Iran I would smuggle in some Bundy rum for the purpose. But I do want to do something else. Tonez and I have been talking about it for nearly 5 solid years. We wanna get matching tattoos for you. I’m not sure it’ll happen this year, but we’re working on it. It depends on cost and time and how much money I’ve saved to get back to Asia. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t begrudge me prioritising my Asian journey over your tattoo would you ? We’ll see. If not this year then the next.

    I thought I had philosophical things to say about this moment but they seem to have dispersed on the cool night air that I’m enjoying sitting down here on the beach. But with the waves crashing against the shore I’m sure I’ll think of something. Let me just tell you about stuff instead, because that tends to feel good. I know I normally do this on YOUR blog, but I prefer to keep that blog to three times a year unless something special happens, although to be honest, maybe it has.

    I went to a Kpop concert and saw SNSD. I know you don’t know who they are, but you would have, if you had been alive when they came about. Kpop is having a huge surge in popularity around the world right now, far more than Jpop for some reason, although I suspect that it’s because it’s a fewer number of groups that are popular. Jpop is fragmented over many, many popular groups, while Kpop currently has a very focused set of groups who are immensely popular. I heard that SNSD made 35 million dollars on their latest single in one month in Japan alone, and they’re not even Japanese !

    Anyway, I saw them in concert, and even got backstage to photograph them. I won’t go on and on because that’s another story to tell, but honestly… it felt like the penultimate experience in my life, other than having Suki. I used to watch amazing Jpop concerts in Japan on TV and think “fuck that looks like the most amazing thing on earth. I wonder what it’s like to go to a concert like that and be surrounded by so many crazy obsessed fans”. Well apparently now I know. I even know what they look like up close because I got press access coz I’m just THAT fucking cool.

    I had this weird chat tonight. Not sure if it was for realz or not though. Amber called up. You know Amber, right ? She was that young girl I dated during my first year of university while she was in her first year of senior college. I hadn’t seen her in years and I only caught up with her a few years ago very briefly right after Jo and I split up, and for whatever reason (I probably talked about Jo too much) she stopped talking to me and we lost contact.

    Anyway she rings me up out of the blue because Tonez is at her house and they’re getting drunk and very quickly the conversation gets onto kids and how much she wants one and I jokingly say “I told you years ago that I had sperm frozen. You are welcome to that if you want, but I stopped paying for the storage so I guess I’ll have to produce more if you want it. But you know I produce great kids. I have a track record of it”. Next thing you know we’re making some weird arrangement to sleep together so that she can have a kid, LOL. I don’t think it was very serious hehe, though it’s not the first time she’s talked about it.

    Anyway I’m sure Amber’s offer was just a drunken joke. It went a little bit too extreme for me to believe and to be honest, if I didn’t know her better I would seriously think that she was taking the piss out of me for lulz, but I’m sure that’s not the case. I was talking to someone today about how hard mum worked to have you and how many miscarriages she had before she finally had you. You were sort of a miracle baby too, just like Suki.

    Anyway, look, you’re far from forgotten mate. Tones remembers you. Even Peta and all our friends from West Australia remember you. Everyone does. You will live on forever in our memories, if not the parroted phrases of an IRC bot. Someone tonight told me to “let go”, and sure, I get that. But wtf does that mean ? Does that mean not being sad close to the anniversary of your death when I’m sitting so close to the last place I saw you, or not having a Bundy in your honour ? Coz if that’s what “letting go” means, I don’t want to do it. Your memory isn’t holding me back. If anything, it’s spurring me to new hights to make you proud of me, just as I hope Suki and all my future children will be.

    So here I am, sitting on the beach at 1:30am, with a bottle of red wine beside me, my laptop in my hand, and my phone up on the top of the concrete wall, hoping desperately for a decent signal. Sure, I’m sad you’re gone, but as long as I can share the things I’m into with you, that’s at least half of the equation. I only wonder… what would you be into today if you were alive ?

  • 10Aug
    Categories: Personal, Suki Comments Off

    Ok, my last post was angry because my shitty Windows laptop sucked, so let’s talk about something nice.

    I went out for dinner. I wasn’t really that hungry but my tummy hurt a bit because I did not eat all day and I didn’t eat all yesterday either, and even the day before I only had one small plate of ostrich. God I hope I’m going to lose some weight because of this but knowing my metabolism, probably not. Anyway, less food means less money, LOL !

    But I wandered out to have dinner at my favourite restaurant. Fortunately it was early and not many people were there so I figured I could eat in peace without Vietnamese people coming up and toasting me and asking me to drink with them. Not that I don’t love that but c’mon… sometimes you just want to eat a quick meal and go home to work. You don’t always want to meet people and drink with them. But as usual, along the way, everyone wanted to say hello to me.

    Even random people passing on motorbikes in the busy four-per-lane street would smile and yell out “Hello !”. Ok, I can’t deny. I do love that. It’s very cute and makes you feel pretty good. But when I got there and slipped into a corner I breathed a sigh of relief and just wanted to eat and leave. I wanted something different though. I asked for the oysters with cheese because they are like 90 cents for a plate. But sadly, as usual, they didn’t have them. They never do. I keep asking in the hope that one day they will have them, but sadly not so.

    I don’t want to order ostrich again and I’m not in the mood for something weird because I just want a simple, plain meal without fuss, so I order the sauted beef steak and eggs and chips for like $1.80 and a few beers and it’s very good as far as sauted local steak and veges go for that price, but it’s no ostrich I can tell you. It’s basically the exact same as the ostrich meal, only nowhere near as tender and delicious and this one comes with fried eggs. It’s good though and I’m certainly not complaining. It’s just not the delicious ostrich that I normally have.

    So I finish up after three beers and a steak and head off, having paid a little more than last night because I guess it’s not happy hour and the beers are tiny bit more expensive than they were last night, but it’s still bugger all and I head over to Titan Mart to buy some more take-home alcohol and some water, which I’m out of.

    The security guard and motorbike check-in dude outside smiles at me and waves. Awww. that’s the first time he’s done that. He finally recognises me as a local and is like “Hey dude. Good to see you again”. Inside, the female staff sometimes giggle behind my back because it’s so weird to see a foreigner in this neighbourhood at all, let alone in a supermarket buying daily items, but stuff them. I’m not going to be bothered by that. I’m going to shop here every couple of days and they are going to get used to me. Maybe by the time I move on from this suburb they will be like “Oh yeah, we get westerners here sometimes, it’s no big deal”.

    I buy a 5 litre bottle of water because it’s only a little more expensive than a 1.5L bottle and I figure I need an extra glass to drink it in, since I only have one. Other than that I just buy the same “Mac Annan” Vietnamese scotch I always buy for $2 and a small bottle of imitation French brandy which is about 85 cents.

    As I’m checking out I see someone pick up a Pooh Bear CD wallet from a shelf beside the register. I glance over it and look. I pick one up and look for the price. It’s about $2.20 odd. It’s genuine Disney too. It has Disney stickers all over it and it even credits the logo to “Copyright A.A. Milne”. You know what ? I may not have much money and that may cost more than my bottle of scotch, but I haven’t bought Suki a gift in AAAAAGGGGESSS !

    So I chuck it in my basket before I check out. It’s cute. One day she’ll use it. I’m fully aware of the fact that I have suitcases full of stuff for Suki already and that when I try and leave Vietnam, customs are probably going to hit me up for at least 10-20% export duty on everything I’ve bought, and they’re going to make up prices for how much it costs, coz I’ve spoken to people and they’ve told me this is what happens. You can’t take anything new into or out of Vietnam without paying duty on it, both import and export.

    To be honest, it’s mostly bribery. I’m sure some of it filters back to the government, but basically it’s a case of “Ohhh, you’re bought some nice shit while you’ve been in Vietnam haven’t you ? Yeah, I think if you want to take that home you’re going to owe me at least $100 in your currency”. It’s sort of a perk of the job. If you work at customs, you get to harass tourists and demand duty on anything they wish to leave the country with.

    But believe me, I’ll fucking argue. I’ll be like “No, these dresses are all 10,000 dong each. I’m paying no more than $10 duty on the whole lot !” I’ll argue it to death if I have to. I am not gonna pay obscene export duties to take gifts home to my daughter. No way. I’ll say “No. These plushies aren’t gifts. They are mine and I cannot sleep without them. They are not gifts, they are MINE !” Which to be honest, is perfectly true. Sometimes I do occasionally cuddle one of Suki’s Hello Kitty plushies at night. I’ll have them all professionally cleaned before I give them to her though. I don’t want them to smell of her dad’s Saigon man-sweat after all. :”)

    So anyway, I just bought a little CD case. Nothing special. I’ve been on the lookout for that crazy vendor that sells the cute kid’s dresses for 10,000 dong every time I go to the markets but I’ve never seen him again. God, when I finally do, I’m just going to say “Here’s 500,000 dong. I want everything you have. Give me the whole rack. I will wheel it home”. Because why the hell not ? It’s not like Suki needs that many clothes, but I just want to buy them for her. Even if her mum just gives them to her friends, that’s cool. I don’t mind.

    It’s just, I don’t see her. She’s always on my mind. I swear I have talked about her half a dozen times today already. Every time I meet someone I roll up my sleeve and say “This is my daughter’s name” and show them my tattoo and her photo and they are like “Wow, you must be very proud” and I’m like “Yeah, I am”.

    I never understood that before. I was SO FUCKING SCARED of being a father. I was worried I would be crap and I would find my child annoying and I wouldn’t love them. Oh my god. How far from the truth. I don’t even see her, and yet I think about her a dozen times a day. I have her picture in my wallet, on my phone, on my computer, on a dozen websites, and her name tattooed on my body.

    I cannot describe how much she means to me or how often I think about her except to say, that Charles Darwin dude was right… genetics are everything. You may not give a shit about any other rugrat you meet in your life, but if you know that this one is YOURS and YOU produced her… suddenly she becomes the most important thing in your life.

    When I have a proper job in Asia, I’ll be doing more for her than just buying her cheap gifts. I mean, it’s not like her mum can do anything because she’s a lazy piece of shit that has never worked a day in her life, and her “new” father is just some junior beat cop who makes fuck all giving traffic tickets to people, so if she’s going to have anything better than an average shitty life, then I’m going to have to provide it. Right now I’m not even in a position to provide for myself, but you know, things come and go. I have talent and skills and I can make money, so I’m going to do some things for her eventually.

    I’m not going to pay for her school fees because frankly, she’s Australian and the government does that and the rest of it, her “parents” should be able to afford. But I will buy her stuff she needs. When I get back to Australia and she’s maybe a little older, I would like to give her a laptop such as the one I’m using now. It’s a cute little laptop that’s portable and tough and has a webcam so that I can talk to her on Skype. Her mother’s never going to be able to afford to buy her a laptop of her own. She can’t even get her own fixed to send me the photos I keep demanding. “Oh boo hoo. My iMac is broken and I have no money to fix it so I can’t send you any photos of your daughter so fuck you. Maybe send me $1000 and we’ll see what I can do”.

    Yeah ? Fuck you Joanna. If you wanted me to support you, you should have stayed with me you dumb slut. You’re like a typical monkey. You don’t let go of one branch until you’ve got a firm grip on another. But apparently your new boyfriend isn’t the cash cow you’d hoped. Anyway, that’s your fucking problem, not mine. I just want to see Suki and give her some nice stuff to make her life cuter and better.

    I’ll buy her cute clothes and accessories so she’s the envy of all the kids at school. “Wow. Where did you get that amazing cute backpack ?” “That’s by Hikosen Cara. It’s from Japan. My dad bought it in Asia for me”. “Wow Suki, where did you get that cute purse ?” “It’s from Hong Kong. You can’t get it in Australia sorry. My dad bought it for me”.

    And of course I want to give her a laptop, and when she’s older maybe I’ll get to buy her her first mobile phone if her mother doesn’t deliberately intervene to steal that pleasure from me. Ahh, but to one day get a surprise text message from my daughter. I can only dream about how happy that’s going to make me.

    So Suki, sorry if it contains a little bitching about your mum since she is so horrible to me and makes it so hard to see you, but this post is for you, because I’m sitting in my apartment in Saigon looking at all your clothes and toys around me thinking “Soon, I’m going to see you baby. Soon”. I have coins from around the world to give you and I want to give you a globe and teach you about the world and where all these coins from from. I want to give you cute clothes and accessories from different countries. I want to give you all sort of stuff for you everyday life that you are going to show off to your friends and say “My dad gave me this. He’s in Asia”.

    If your mum tries to be bitch, fuck her. I’ll find a way. A friend said to me “Just buy her a gift every year on her birthday and when she’s 18, go and see her and give her a pallet-load of gifts and say ‘These are all the gifts I wanted to give you but your mum wouldn’t let me’” Hopefully it won’t come to that. I mean, I have asked your mum for your address many times but she refuses to give it to me, even though I’m over 7,000km away. I have a whole bookshelf of kids books for you at home in Australia to give you. Graeme Bass and beautiful picture-books of Aseop’s fairy tales such as the “Lion and the Mouse” and great books such as Mem Fox’s “Possum Magic” and older books such as Eleanor Coerr’s “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes” that I grew up with as a kid and which had such an impact on my life.

    I want to give those all to you too. But in person. I want to read them to you. I don’t want to just post them to your mum and have HER read them to you. Those are books that I want to share with you that meant so much to me and I want to share them with you so that when you grow up you remember “My dad read me that book” just as I remember that when I was a child, a very good friend of the family friend read “Wind in the Willows” to me when I was very young, and I remember that so clearly.

    I want to share that with you. I will be happy to talk to you on Skype every day after school when you are old enough to use a computer and talk to me, but I also want to read books to you, because I know how awesome it was as a child to have people read books to me. I remember when I was very young, my mother reading my favourite Little Golden Books to me as she brushed my hair and I want to do that for you too.

    When you are old enough to read this, I want you to know, I love you so much and I miss you so much. I want to see you so very much, but your mother makes it so difficult. She will only let me see you with her and Michael present which is very uncomfortable. I asked many times when you were a baby to see you at your godfather Stefan’s house without her around and she said “No. I don’t want to do that” so I could not see you.

    I hope you do not think I have abandoned you. I will see you as soon as I can. I know that when I am back in Australia your mother will have to let me see you because otherwise I will have my mafia friends come and knee-cap her cats ! (Just joking, I could never do that) And I will see you even if it’s just for a little while. If I spend a little while in Australia I will try and live not too far away and see you every day if I can. I know your mum will make this very difficult but I will plead and insist and if necessary threaten legal action. I can be very persuasive when I want to be. :”)

    You mum says she shows you my photos and tells you who I am and I dearly hope that’s true. I know I have not seen you in almost two years, and you probably don’t remember what I look like, but when I see you again, I think you will know, just as I do, that we are father and daughter. There is an inseparable bond that exists between us and noone will ever break that and noone can separate us forever.

    Take care Suki, I have lots of gifts and lots of hugs for you when I see you. I hope you want to know who I am and you think I am cool and interesting and you are proud of me. Everything I do, I do it because I want you to be proud of me. I know my parents are cool and I talk about them to my friends all the time and say “My parents are cool because they did this, and this, and now they are doing this” and my friends are like “Oh wow. I wish my parents were as cool as yours”. Well, I hope you think the same about me one day. I’ve had a pretty rich and interesting life and I’m continuing to do so, so I hope that you are proud of that and you can tell your friends proudly “Today my daddy is HERE and this is what he is doing right now and he is AWESOME !”

    Love you baby.

    Daddy.

    Oh and here’s the Pooh Bear CD case I bought you tonight (look a few paragraphs down) ! I know it’s nothing special that you couldn’t get from any Disney store, but this was just a regular supermarket that I was at tonight and I know your mum LOVES Pooh to death and I used to buy her Pooh stuff before we even got together so I’m sure she will make you love Pooh stuff too.

    If you get bored. Please read “Pooh and the Hundred Acre Wood”. Don’t worry tough. I’ll buy you a copy if Mum doesn’t. Along with maybe a copy of “The Tao of Pooh” which relates Winnie the Pooh’s stories to the Tao, or Chinese philosophy of life, which I think would be great for you to read and give you an open mind on philosophy and religion. :”)

    In the meantime, you can just enjoy Pooh because he’s cute and fun, and I hope you love him and Tigger too (Coz Tigger is my favourite character). I hope you fill this case with cool CD’s and that it includes some cute Asian CD’s because I’m sure I’m going to be sending you Momusu and Otsuka Ai and SNSD and Wonder Girl’s CD’s to make sure you have a grounding in great Jpop and Kpop music !

  • 26May
    Categories: Love, Personal Comments Off

    Nothing complex or heartfelt this time.

    Just wanted to say my friend and I resolved our differences. Well, not so much resolved them, as agreed to look past them and avoid those topics that cause us difficulty and be friends anyway. It’s not the ideal solution, as I’d prefer we were able to share those things with each other, but if this is how it has to be, that’s good enough for me. I don’t want to lose this friend, and I’ll do whatever I have to do to make it work. I don’t even know why I care for her when we fight like cats and dogs all the time, but for some reason, the more we fight, the more I want to make up and put it behind us. Maybe one day we’ll understand each other better and we won’t fight so much. Doesn’t matter really. Sometimes even the bad days are good days. You know what I mean ?

  • 18May
    Categories: Life, Personal Comments Off

    Sorry to break up the interesting posts about Vietnam, but I had to throw in a personal observation about life and people.

    Sometimes a friend will be horrible to you and say something incredibly hurtful that upsets you incredibly and you will lash out at them and get angry at them for saying it, and instead of them feeling sorry and regretful for saying it, they will get their back up and be even more mean in response. They will make it all about them and imply that you were the one out of line for getting angry and pretend they had done nothing wrong. They will send you horrible, angry emails and SMS’s one after another telling you what an awful person you are and how much they hate you and they may even go so far as to change their email address with their ISP so they can have the last word, tell you you’re a horrible person, and then be gone and you can’t even respond.

    Sometimes people will be mean to you and you will lash out at them and your other friends, who claim to be your “best friends” will suddenly turn on you (like a tiger at a Sigfriend and Roy show as I previously described.. because that’s a funny analogy and I wanted to use it again) and will hate on you and abuse you and do very nasty things to you in front of the people that respect you, and thereby make you feel like the worst, most useless, most unwanted, crappy person in the universe.

    But sometimes you’ll express that you’re upset, and your best friends won’t even notice. I did this on Facebook recently by saying that I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a deep well in the pouring rain that was slowly filling up with water and I knew that soon I was going to drown. None of my friends messaged me to ask if I was ok. But random strangers.. people I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years… others that I’d “friended” just yesterday.. even members of the same political activist group who had only met me personally once came forward and asked if I was ok. The most heartfelt was the sentiment from a guy who I had met once at a Wikileaks rally, who surely wouldn’t even remember me if he met me, who spent ages talking to me and asking if I was ok and giving me advice. It’s funny how sometimes support comes from not those who you want it to come from, but from those who you least expect it to come from.

    My point is that sometimes, “friendship” comes in weird forms. Sometimes the people you think you can count on aren’t there for you, and sometimes the strangers are. Other times, people that you cared about but haven’t seen in two decades suddenly come out of the woodwork and tell you how important you are to them and how they want you to stay a part of their lives.

    Friendship is weird. It’s not always what you want it to be, and sometimes it’s exactly what you don’t want it to be. But occasionally, it’s exactly what you least expect and most treasure at the same time. So nurture every one of them, because you never know which is going to be the important one that saves your life one day.

  • 19Apr
    Categories: Crazy Ramblings, Life, Love, Personal Comments Off

    I know they're cute now, but when those quills grow, they're going to hurt each other, I assure you

    There is a parable that’s been used by both Arthur Shopenhauer and Sigmund Freud to describe the problems of intimacy. It’s called “The Hedgehog’s Dilemma”. I won’t quote from it because I’d rather explain this in terms that I understand (all too well), so here goes:

    In winter, hedgehogs want to huddle together for warmth like other animals but cannot because they will hurt each other with their quills. So they try and stay distant and find the optimal compromise between warmth and not hurting others. They sacrifice warmth (love) for comfort. Which is why some people (me to a large extent) choose to cut themselves off from society and live alone.. because if you have enough warmth inside you, you think you can live without warmth from others.

    But at the less extreme end of things, the hedgehog’s dilemma suggests that what we do is keep the people we care about at distance. We are cautious and reserved, and we form weak relationships that are less meaningful as a result of us trying to avoid the mutual harm that comes unavoidably from truly opening up to someone else and getting close to them. Schopenhauer suggests in his usual pessimistic way, that we should use the hedgehog’s dilemma as a reason for keeping people distant and practicing moderation in our relationships, but I can’t say I agree with him. After all, he also said famously “life without pain has no meaning”. Perhaps it is better to experience the pain of another’s quills for the benefits of being open and intimate with them.

    But for the most part, I choose the cowardly isolationist route. I have a fair bit of warmth inside of me, despite suffering from depression. So I can live without friends and I jokingly said recently “I don’t need friends.. I have stuffed animals and the internet”. I appreciate the few close friends I have though, and I adore them. But they don’t understand me. We mostly just have common interests and history. I deeply envy those people who tell me they’ve had friendships since childhood, because the circumstances of my upbringing made that impossible (we were sailors and I didn’t go to school).

    But I do crave not so much love, but an affectionate understanding from a partner. I don’t even necessarily have to know them in real life. I have had beautiful relationships online in the past, because when you speak to someone every day, it’s as good as living with them. You’re still sharing your innermost thoughts and idle chatter and everything in between with them. But you can’t share your innermost feelings with someone without those feelings sometimes offending or disturbing the other person.

    I fucked up today. I told someone I cared about something she didn’t want to hear. She has been in love with someone for five years, yet he still won’t choose to be with her, and I just came out and said that if he hadn’t chosen to be with her by now he probably never would, and if he suddenly changed his mind, she should be wary that it was a transitory change based on circumstance rather than his true feelings.

    The second it was out of my mouth (so to speak, because this was on IRC), I realised how insensitive it sounded and how much she really wouldn’t want to hear that. It was just honest advice. At first I thought maybe I was just being selfish and wished she didn’t love him, but on reflection, that’s not the case at all. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of someone’s true love, ever. I just wanted to tell her that I thought that true love shouldn’t involve five years of indecision, and that if someone comes around after that long, you should be wary of their true feelings.

    But I’m the most hopeless romantic ever. I love blowing tiny things like chance meetings with a sweet girl on the train into full blown love, and it’s crap most of the time and I know it. But I love living in ignorant bliss and pretending that there are beautiful romances in my life when in truth, they’re nothing more than a random encounter with a pretty girl who I managed to find something to chat about with. Because it’s fun, and pretending you have romance is better than having none at all, though equally, it can be hurtful when you realise deep down that it’s not as real as you’re pretending it is.

    But that’s me and I don’t mean to compare my trivial pretend romance to her situation here, because hers is actually meaningful and I am assured that he does love her, he just can’t commit to a relationship. But she didn’t want to hear that it was not going to work out, she wanted to hear the opposite. A close friend said to me later that “she probably needed to hear it”, and maybe she did, but there were much more qualified people far closer to her that should have said it. It shouldn’t have come from me, because despite having talked for years on IRC, I really don’t know her that well and we’ve only recently become closer as we realised that we have so much in common.

    Our “bot” on IRC keeps track of people and produces this image called a “relationship map” to illustrate who talks to each other the most, implying that they have the closest relationships. In our map, her and I are at the centre, joined by the thickest red lines possible, with everyone else circling around us with much weaker blue connections. But, I talk a crapload on IRC, by which I mean, sometimes more than 25,000 words a day, and she would be the first to tell me that the map is meaningless and just because two people talk a lot does not make them close. But she’s pessimistic, and I like to think that it means something, due to my nature of over-ascribing romantic meaning to things as I explained above. But I’m just vain and lonely, of course I would do that.

    So while this insult to her true love could be considered a minor transgression (I’m sure she doesn’t consider it that way though), to me, it’s just a symptom of how I always fuck things up with her. She also suffers from depression and like myself, she takes offense to things very easily, and I can be very much a hedgehog due to my intense personality. I don’t know how to deal with this situation and I despise myself for always hurting her feelings. I know the responsible and mature thing would be to give her some time, apologise, and continue where we left off if she forgives me, but I am rarely responsible and mature.

    What I really want to do instead, is take the coward’s way out and run away with my tail between my legs. The anime Neon Genesis Evangelion contains an episode called the “hedgehog’s dilemma”. The main character, Shinji has trouble forming intimate relationships without hurting and being hurt by others, and despite him saying repeatedly throughout the series “I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away”, run away is exactly what he does most of the time, although to be fair on him, he does man up and return in the end.

    Can I do that ? I’m not so sure. I know that she’s not going to respect me if I run away, but hurting her makes me feel awful inside, and despite saying I just don’t want to hurt her, maybe I don’t want to hurt ME, because hurting her makes me feel so wretched. Hard to say objectively. I’d like to think that I would be running away because I’m unselfish and I don’t want to hurt her feelings anymore, but it’s entirely possible that I’m just weak and pathetic and I’m doing it for selfish reasons because hurting her hurts me too.

    Ahh, the hedgehog’s dillema.

    Shopenhauer, you may have been a cynical, pessimistic bastard, but your words are very wise all the same. We are all hedgehogs, some of us more than others, and when we get too close to others, mutual pain is the inevitable result.

    To the person I’m discussing, I’m sorry I upset you. But I hate myself for doing that all the time, so I think I’m going to run away now. At least I’m good at that.

    (Note: we are not friends on Facebook, nor does she have the slightest interest in reading my blog, so addressing her was utterly pointless, but who cares… it’s cathartic anyway)

  • 16Apr
    Categories: Life, Personal Comments Off

    Like most people (I would never use the term “artist” about what I do), I put stuff out there really for my own benefit, rather than that of others, maybe with the exception of street art, which is designed to inspire other people to think about stuff, but when you get positive feedback on what you do, it’s really encouraging and flattering.

    After visiting an exhibition on street art at the national gallery last week, I went straight out and spent money I couldn’t afford on a new wide format printer so that I could print colour posters and stickers so that I could create more street art of my own. I knocked up two pieces while I had a couple of friends around who were doing some art of their own. I have included them here on the right. They were both so impressed with the Fukushima piece and kept referring to it as “great art”, and even demanded to buy a copy, but of course I gave them one for free. The Fukushima piece is interesting I feel, as it sends a mixed message, both using scary imagery of turning the “Rising Sun” into a nuclear logo, but at the same time, using words that remind people not to fear Fukushima because it’s not the massive disaster that that media try and make it out to be, and actually represents a very well contained nuclear event under extremely bad circumstances. Hopefully maybe someone will get that interpretation of it when they see it stuck up around the city, but if not, it’s just a pretty poster anyway.

    The other one was a more humorous one and was designed to be a general positive message about Japan’s ability to rebuild. So it uses imagery such as Tokyo Tower in the city skyline to represent Japan, Godzilla to represent the destructive forces of nature, and Astroboy to represent a ray of hope – all important parts of Japanese culture. The phrase “We can rebuild you” is from the Six Million Dollar Man and just refers to the Japanese people’s determination to move on from the disaster and become stronger than ever.

    Then, I followed a “trackback” from this blog to another person’s blog who had linked to me, and I commented that I liked his style of writing and the stuff that he’d said. In turn, he wrote back to me, raving about about how much he loved some of my articles like the one about the mp3 scene’s history and how touched he was by some of my articles about my daughter Suki. We both have similar themes in our writing – a mixture of technical tutorials, general philosophy about the human condition, and meanderings about what hopeless romantics we are, so it was great to talk to him and have him like my writing as much as I liked his.

    And last night, after I somewhat upset this girl I’m fond of on IRC, I decided to put down the keyboard for a moment and pick up my guitar, and as is normally the case when I haven’t played for ages and I’m in an emotional mood, the music just poured out of me, and from the first chord I hit, a song formed. I just briefly nutted out the basic chords and then because it was getting late and I wanted to get it down before I forgot it, I hit record on my webcam and just started playing it in one take and thankfully didn’t make too much of a mess of it. It didn’t have a lot of variation and is probably longer than it should be, but it clearly had a lot of feeling behind it, so I was happy with it and I uploaded it to YouTube and showed it to her in the morning.

    It seems YouTube must have featured it somewhere, or it appeared at the top of the music category briefly, because all of a sudden, within about a 20 minute period, the view count shot up and I got dozens of appreciative comments such as “so talented” from two different people.. “dood your teh best” from another.. “good stuff” .. “cool”.. “nice job man” .. “sweet” … “like this video” .. “nice” … “so epic” and more comments, and out of only 15 comments, 11 people hit the “like” button, and not everyone does that on videos, so I guess I must have impressed people. I hadn’t really intended for anyone else to see it, so for dozens of strangers to suddenly come out of nowhere and say how much they liked it and call me “so talented” … well.. that was beyond flattering.. that was amazing. I mean, my self-deprecating nature aside.. it’s just not that brilliant a song in my view. I adore it, but then, I wrote it. But for two different people to call me “so talented” because of something I knocked out in one take in 5 minutes.. wow.. that’s pretty nice to hear. I guess I might post some more music online in the future and see what people say.

    So all up, that makes it a very rewarding week for me creatively. I’ve been complimented on my art, my writing and my music, and all from stuff I’ve knocked up quickly in the middle of night over the span of a few days. I certainly didn’t go seeking that sort of feedback, but the fact that I got it anyway is just amazing and makes me feel so much better about my artistic endeavours. I’ll open up the comments on this article just so that I can fish for compliments a little and ask .. what do you think, does getting such favourable feedback in three different artistic mediums make me an artist ? Whether it does or not, I feel pretty good about my creative work now and it makes me want to express myself more. Art has become such a big part of my life in the last few years, when I had previously not had much interest in it at all because I thought I had no talent. But I’m fond of my writing, and I’m becoming fond of my street art too, and the music.. well, I don’t think I’m so great at that, but if people like it, it doesn’t need to be technically brilliant if you can move people with just the simplest chord progressions. I’m not much for thinking that what I do is that great, but to have people tell me that they think it is and that I have talent.. that’s priceless.

  • 15Apr
    Categories: Personal, The Internet Comments Off

    Ok, after we got onto the subject of hacking, warez and later mp3 distribution, I spent a typical drunk night reminiscing about my days in the MP3 scene, and since noone was even listening other than the IRC bot, and these stories are starting to get the point in my memory that I’m struggling to remember the key names, I decided to write down some stuff about the history of the origin of the mp3 scene as I remember it, so here goes. If you’re a legal person, fuck off, this is all bullshit and heresay.. and if you’re not.. well.. I was there and this is all from the horses mouth, so take it as you will.

    UPDATE: I got one of the names wrong in this history, accidentally crediting the RollCall song to Sir_Jinx instead of resident DJ Icy_J. I decided to see if I could track some of the guys down, and I joined the old IRC channel and was surrised to find it alive, and filled with a large botnet. I wasn’t sure if there was anyone alive, so I just said a few words and started idling, and by the next day, a couple of members that I wasn’t familiar with had spoken up and welcomed me. I asked about Al_Capone and was told he had given up IRC, which was shocking and disappointing to learn, because I’m sure I’ll be on IRC until the day I die. The current owner of the website even asked if I’d be interested in forming a new mp3 group out of old RNS members which was pretty funny, and I can’t say I’m not interested, but I don’t know if we have the resources, since neither of us really have easy access to CD’s.

    A couple of days later though, an oldschool member from the same era as me by the name of krupt showed up who I knew well because we used to run bots together, and he dragged in one of the old site-ops, Alkivar and we all had an awesome time reminiscing and bringing up old names and events. Alkivar directed me to a great site by someone who’s trying to document the history of the scene which was full of interviews and articles with the old members, but sadly the site is still private and password protected at this time, so I can’t reveal it to you, but I assure you, the contents are pure gold. I’ve also uploaded DJ Icy_J’s “RNS Rollcall” song from the heady days of 1997, because it’s a great piece of mp3 history and hearing those names again brings back so many memories, so I guess if you want proof that I was there, that song is it. You can find it at the end of this article. Now without further ado, here’s the story.

    I was always into music compression.. from when I got my first sound card in my 386SX (a Sound Galaxy BX) back in 1992, I had experimented with the awful compression methods available at the time such as ADPCM and ULAW etc. They were pointless for music and rendered it unlistenable. So I guess I was active enough in the audio community to be aware when Fraunhofer’s new audio codec based on the mpeg family called “mp3″ became known. While it was released in 1995, it wasn’t until 1997 that Winamp was released, which became the popular method for playing these songs. Until that point, the encoding of mp3 files was somewhat academic, since initially they could only be decoded by the same obscure command-line software, but later, audio players began to support the codec. I guess I discovered it sometime in late 1996 during my first year of university when I was studying literature, but it wasn’t until the start of 1997 when I was studying multimedia that I stumbled across other like-minded people who were taking advantage of this awesome new codec.

    I don’t recall how I discovered the scene because it was so long ago but I certainly didn’t discover it from a release I’d downloaded. I may have figured it out from a channel list, or I may have been referred by someone else… but I think I stumbled across the group by accident. The group ? Yes.. “the” group. I somehow found myself among the pioneers of the MP3 scene, Rabid Neurosis, known to many simply by their abbreviation “RNS”. I don’t know who the original founder was, because he had departed around the time I had joined so I don’t remember him at all, but I do remember his successor well. It was a young kid of only 15 years old named Al_Capone. I’m not sure how he stumbled into the job, because there were many people more qualified and older in the group, but Al_C was passionate and was willing to put in the hours despite having no specific background in the music industry or the warez scene, so he became the leader, and an amazing job he did. I mean, as an older person of 19 or 20, I was giving this kid advice on how to date girls and how to deal with his parents, and when he later ran away from home and started couch surfing, I helped him deal with some of his worries and issues about how he was going to survive in life.

    One of the earliest things I remember about the group was being in awe of our amazing FTP site, “World Domination”. It wasn’t exclusively ours mind you, and served many groups over the years, but we were by far the primary contributor, and the two sysops Nitecrew and Greaser were both honorary RNS members, and I consider them, and especially Nitecrew to be some of the most important people in the MP3 scene, because back in 1997… this was virtually the only place to get your music online. I’d like to imagine that the site was hundreds of gigs in size, but to be honest, I think it was lucky if it was 120 gb at that point. But in the days of 20gb hard disks.. when a whole album was about 30 mb.. that was bloody huge.. and looking at the directory listing for the first time inspired nothing short of awe that so much music could be available at your fingertips. Having access to World Domination was like being a kid in a candy store. You had more music right in front of you than the biggest record store.. and it was all there for free. If you were into the music scene, it was an amazing time to be alive, and having access to WD via anything but the public login on which you would have to retry about 5,000 times before you would get in was a badge of honour.

    At that time RNS were using the free “reference” encoder from Fraunhofer called “l3enc” to produce their music files. Since the default bitrate suggested by Fraunhofer was 112kbit, that’s what they used, from their first release of Metallica’s “Ride The Lighting” back in 1996 to when I encouraged them to increase it later. I didn’t have connections in the music industry like many of the guys in the group, nor did I have the ability to supply the pre-releases that made the group famous, so the best I could offer was technical assistance, but I was still proud to be listed as a “senior member” on many of their NFO’s due to my contributions. The main one of which was when the much older DJ “Tricksta” from Las Vegas, who used to listen to my crazy rants late at night encouraged me to pursue the issue of bitrate with the group, and I did some of the earliest subjective listening tests on mp3 bitrates and decided that the best trade-off between quality and size was at the point of 160kbps rather than 112kbps and I wrote a lengthy document on the differences and encouraged everyone to switch to this bitrate. Another member, Zeuss however, insisted that 192kbps was the go, and that eventually became the agreed-upon standard for many years. Oh well, my standard may not have been adopted, but my advice was, and it was great to see the group move towards a higher bitrate. Personally I still think that 320kb is excessive and unnecessary and if you want that sort of quality, you shouldn’t be using MP3 in the first place and should switch to FLAC or something, so I still encode my mp3′s in 192kps to this day, because I guess Zeuss had it right… that extra 32kbps was worth the size increase.. I just had a very slow modem at the time lol !

    Being in RNS was a heady experience that I didn’t appreciate the magnitude or significance of at the time. We didn’t really know how amazing what we were doing at the time was.. Sure, we were spreading MP3 to the masses, but at that point.. the “masses” were a small bunch of highly technical geeks smart enough to be able to use command-line encoders, have access to elite FTP sites, and know what something like a “bitrate” meant. But it was like the warez scene in that to some extent it was done for the joy of the notoriety, though we also all had a passion for music and believed strongly in the freedom of musical exchange. Terry Matthew from housemusicdaily.com said this:

    “If the average pirate receives a vicarious thrill from providing free MP3s and seeming “in the know” to his peers, to organized crews like RNS the reward/reputation benefits must have felt like a hit of angel dust to the back of the brain.”

    And yeah, sure, it was a big thrill.. but we, or at least I didn’t really think about that at the time. We were on the cutting edge and were as much about raising awareness of not only this great new codec, but the benefits of online distribution of music. We weren’t thinking about how cool we were, although we were acutely aware that we were cooler than everyone else in the scene. We just wanted to share music with people.

    Some will claim that RNS was deeply ingrained in the music industry and that we had sources at the highest level, but to my knowledge it wasn’t true. Yes, we had a couple of guys who worked in factory-line jobs stamping CD’s, and some of the group were music producers or otherwise involved with the industry, but I really think most of our pre-releases were donated to us by people outside the group. I guess some of just had contacts, and those contacts cared about the free and early distribution of great music, so they supplied us with the releases. I wasn’t part of that aspect of the group so I don’t really know. I did technical stuff and ran bots and such because I was a unix nerd, as well as being Al_Capone’s personal mentor in life, because even back then, I was a shocking IRC addict who spent every waking moment glued to IRC chatting about stuff I was passionate about.

    To this day, I consider some of those friendships I formed in that group to be some of the best I’ve ever had, although I am no longer in touch with a single member. But it was a community like no other. Some rave about the close bonds of the “warez community”, but I don’t think it really compares. Noone in the MP3 community ever turned on their buds and sold them out to the cops when the shit went down like happened so often in the warez scene such as with the infamous Drink or Die busts. We were tight and we cared about what we were doing for more reasons than just fame. We wanted music to be free (as in speech, but also as in beer).. both “gratis” and “libre”. One of our resident DJ’s Icy_J did a great shout-out song to all the members at the time. It wasn’t the sort of music I was into, but it was awesome to have all our names immortalised in a song about the group that later became known as the pioneers of the mp3 revolution and I’m glad I still have a copy of that song to this day.

    For some random facts, while noone in the group really knows because we didn’t keep those sort of records, outside sources say that at our peak we released more than 6,000 albums per year, and more than 25,000 over the course of the group’s history. This is a phenomenal effort when you consider how few members we had (the IRC channel would have been lucky to have more than 40 residents) and just shows how hard we worked and how much help we had from the industry itself, even though the majority of albums were paid for out of members’ pockets when they reached the record store shelves. I would love to say that I was responsible for more, but I would have been lucky to have ripped more than a dozen of the group’s releases, although I distributed many more via my IRC bots, and I dutifully released music I had absolutely no personal interest in, because others considered it important, and ultimately, RNS favoured American rap and hip-hop styles which I didn’t personally enjoy, although as they progressed, popular rock became more their staple since that’s what the public wanted.

    Because I was passionate about exposing Australian music to the world, and RNS were mostly concerned with American rap music at that time, I decided to spin off my own group. There was another Aussie group at the time, the well known “OzMP3″ group run by a personal friend of mine, Cybacolt, but they were sorta disorganised and weren’t a very public group, mostly just being a couple of guys releasing stuff behind the scenes, and I wanted the sort of awesome community that RNS had, so I decided to establish my own group with the other Australian mp3 fans I knew from the warez scene. I struggled with a name for hours, and eventually saw the word “DREAM” printed on my alarm clock, and managed to come up with a really cool acronym for it – Digital Rapists Exporting Aussie Music, which I felt summed up our goal and the ideal I wanted to convey perfectly. We were music pirates, hence the “Digital Rapists”, but our goal was to promote Aussie music to the rest of the world, hence the “Exporting Aussie Music” bit.

    Dream had a small core of members, but we did alright. We were enthusiastic and active and we put out a bunch of releases and had our bots in the offer channels alongside the RNS bots and others, so our releases were more widely available than those of Ozmp3 at least. While I am reluctant to admit this lest you go “ewwww”, I personally did some radio rips ! I used to record the oz music show on Triple J, and I remember being totally floored by this new artist called Cordrazine with the song “Crazy” that I had to release it on its own, and I remember some people coming into the channel just to rave about what an amazing song it was, which is what I felt we were about… promoting new Aussie music that otherwise might not get heard by a lot of people. I had dreams (pardon the pun) that we would one day go legal and help promote Aussie music properly, but things sorta went in the other direction as I’ll get to.

    We did one non-Australian release. My good mate Prophet_8 somehow acquired the entire set of The Prodigy’s upcoming album Fat of the Land. He said that a friend of his had hacked their personal computers and stolen it, and maybe that was true, I dunno. What they amounted to was well recorded live bootlegs, but whereever they were from, noone had heard them before, so if so, it must have been a very special private show, or else they did indeed come from the artist’s own computers. Anyway, I packaged that up and naturally it went off like a frog in a sock when I released it on IRC, and got a good bit of attention for the group despite the fact that it wasn’t “our thing” since it wasn’t Australian.. but hey, if someone handed you a pre-release of a major group’s highly anticipated album months before its release, would you turn it down ? I suspect not.

    Everyone was still using the command-line encoder l3enc because it was simply the only thing that existed, but I had got wind that Fraunhofer were about to release a much more advanced 32-bit windows-based encoder called “MP3 Producer Pro”, for which they wanted the princely sum of about 650 US dollars, or well over a grand to us Aussies. I had a young fellow in my group by the name of omletteboy who was into the carding scene and I mentioned I really wanted this app, and he obligingly found me a credit card with full details. I was pretty eager to do this thing, and I only took basic precautions to protect myself. I obtained a free shell account on some guy’s private server in Pennsylvania and I fired off an email to order the application using pine (an early email client on unix systems). Sure enough, a few days later, the application was emailed to me and I quickly downloaded it, tested it, and did the obvious thing – I wrote up an NFO saying how great it was to be doing this for the scene and how much they were all gonna love this app, and thanking the guys in my group for supporting me, and I put it on my xdcc bot.

    I didn’t have to promote it or anything. It carried the named Fraunhofer, and news of the application spread like wildfire and I had hundreds of thousands of downloads within weeks and the application quickly appeared on warez sites all over the planet, with my NFO attached. Every group immediately abandoned l3enc and switched to this new, more superior application that was easier to use and supported batches etc. But Fraunhofer were none too pleased that their expensive new application was being downloaded by the whole world for free and they sent spies onto IRC to check us out. I have no idea who they were, but I know they did it because they told me so. They quickly found my xdcc bot and traced it back to me as I had had to provide my driver’s license to the shell account provider, which obviously wasn’t too smart in retrospect. They insisted they wanted to talk to me and arranged a time to call me, during the day my time, which meant that a bunch of lawyers would have been sitting around a speakerphone in the middle of the night, which cracks me up to think of. Before the call, I rang the Australian Federal Police and explained what was going on and asked for a little advice. The fact that they thought it was pretty funny and basically told me to tell them to get stuffed just shows how little the police cared about copyright theft in those days, but I asked them about the legality of recording the call and they said it was fine because in Queensland you can record someone as long as at least one party is aware of it, being me.

    So, I dismantled my phone handset and wired it up to my computer and started recording when the phone rang. The lawyers talked for a while and basically said I was totally busted and that they wanted me to appear in court in Pennsylvania where the crime had occurred, which I chuckled over and said that wasn’t going to happen. I was pretty evasive and didn’t really admit to anything specific but it was a bit irrelevant because they knew they had their guy. Eventually things got boring and I told them I was recording the conversation, at which point they sorta freaked out and said they were ending the call immediately and stated they would be “in contact again”. Naturally the first thing I did was encode the conversation with their own mp3 encoder and put it online for the rest of my group to chuckle over.

    I moved out of that house soon after and I sorta thought that that might have been the end of it because I didn’t hear anything more for at least six months from memory. Then one day I was having a shower and when I got out, one of my housemates said “Err, man.. there’s a private investigator at the door to serve you”. I got a little scared at that point and went and spoke to him, but he knew nothing about the case, he had just been hired to track me down and serve me, so I took the thick wad of paperwork and thanked him and he left. The paperwork was hilarious. I hope I still have it packed away in a box somewhere at my parents’ house but it may have been lost in the sands of time. They were pinning 12 different charges on me, none of which really had anything to do with copyright theft. Among the funniest were that they wanted to charge me under the RICO act (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organisations), and some other mafia-related law which of course cracked the guys in RNS up and Al_Capone gave me major props for that. They also wanted me on Civil Conspiracy (awesome.. spies !) and there was another even more classic charge who’s name escapes me right now, but it was tantamount to treason, although had I had been a US citizen, I’m sure they would have chucked that in too. One of the other amusing things is that they were pinning a lot of stuff on me that I hadn’t done, such as the distribution of the software on the web by a group called Sharewarez. The funniest part about that was that the head of Sharewarez was not only an Australia, but he lived a few suburbs from me and our house was full of CD’s that he burned for us. When I next saw him I told him that I was being blamed for distributing pirated software as a member of his group and he thought that was pretty funny and made some comment like “Cool, better you go to jail for my shit than me !”.

    Anyway, needless to say I did not fly to the US to face the music, and fortunately extradition for computer crime was simply unheard of in those days, but I must say I lived in fear wondering what was going to happen next and I thought the best thing to do was to disband Dream and ask all the members to disappear, which we did. It was a shame to have to break up a successful, active group like that, but I had no idea how far this stuff was going to go, so I retired the bots and locked down the channel and we all fled back to whence we had come. I remained an active member of RNS though, and I guess I wasn’t too scared, or else was too stupid to be, because I continued running offer bots for them for years to come from my university shell account, which was pretty funny because I did it for almost a year and they never caught on to the fact that their tiny /tmp partition was full of illegal mp3′s. Eventually more paperwork came, this time of the judgement. I had been found guilty in my absence, charged of all crimes, and was to be fined a bit over $453,000 US dollars.

    It was at that point that I understood that it was simply a moral victory for Fraunhofer so that they could tell their shareholders and directors that they had stamped out the piracy and that the offender was duly punished, which of course was a load of crap, because I never paid them a cent, and the software continued to be distributed even more widely by other groups, who sadly were a lot more famous for it than ours, despite us being the first. I still don’t know for sure what would happen to me if I stepped foot into the US, or Pennsylvania specifically and I’m not about to find out, so that country is definitely off my list of places to visit. It’s a shame that the group and I don’t get mentioned in any little footnotes on Wikipedia or any of the great articles about the scene such as this one on housemusicdaily.com but we weren’t doing it for the fame, so who cares ? If you read that article (as I’m sure you will since you’re reading this one), it’s funny to note that the author describes Al_Capone’s “letter to the scene” as sounding like it was “written by an angry 17 year old”, which is amusing, because that’s precisely what Al_C was when he wrote that !

    Anyway, that’s my little story. I wanted to get it down on paper (so to speak) before the details and names become too hazy to remember, and so that I don’t have to keep re-telling it on IRC late at night when I’m drunk and trying to impress some other scene kiddie with my involvement in the scene’s history. I like to jokingly say that I helped kickstart the whole mp3 industry, but in truth, if I hadn’t released MP3 Producer Pro, someone else would have at some point. I just happened to be the first, and I’m proud of that, as I am also proud of being a part of RNS in those heady days before things like Napster and MP3.com came about and everyone finally cottoned onto what this “mp3″ thing was. Now, it’s a whole industry on its own and has made Apple one of the most successful companies on the planet. (Am I getting that cheque in the mail soon Steve ?) My dad is a mad mp3 consumer.. hell, my grandmother listens to mp3′s. They’re just a part of life now. But it’s great to be able to say that I was there way back when it all started and was, in my own humble opinion, an important part of making it all happen.

    So when you click play on that latest Eminem song, stop and think for a second what life would be like without Mp3′s and where they came from. Because had groups like Rabid Neurosis not existed, it’s entirely possible that the technology would not have caught on as it did. Piracy was what brought the mp3 scene into existence, and you should all give RNS a big thanks for making that happen for you. I’d love to give a huge list of shout-outs here, but I’m afraid that I would accidently leave some important people out, so I’m going to leave it to one. Al_Capone, I hope you’re doing well man, you should be proud of what you achieved. Same to my bros in Dream.

    Peace out !

    DJ Icy_J’s RNS Rollcall

    Here’s a great historical song by member DJ Icy_J in which he shouts out to all the members who were on IRC that day. It’s odd that he doesn’t mention Al_Capone, coz surely he would have thought to mention him even if he wasn’t present on IRC that day, but maybe Al_C asked not be mentioned, I have no idea. It’s not my sort of music, so if you’re not into RnB, skip ahead to the 8:40 mark when the shout-outs start. My name can be heard at 10:02, so there’s my proof bitches.. I wuz there ! Enjoy !

    DJ Icy_J’s RNS Rollcall

  • 12Mar
    Categories: Life, Personal Comments Off

    Ok, I’d tried four times to arrange a visit to the Darling Downs Zoo in Picton near Toowoomba in order to see the new white lions they got late last year, but every single time, people couldn’t make it or it was raining, so today, I was determined it was going to happen no matter what. I had been up until 5am again last night watching the news of the quake and tsunami in Japan, and I dragged myself out of bed reluctantly at 9am and looked to the east, where the sun was shining and then looked to the west towards Toowoomba where it was cloudy and stormy, but I wasn’t letting weather turn this into the fifth failure, so I rang up and booked my lion feeding session for 2:30pm and then SMS’d Stefan and Sian a few times until they woke up.

    We headed off in Sian’s car, grabbing a bite to eat on the way. When we turned off the Warrego Highway and passed Gatton, I was disturbed to note that despite having devices on THREE (yes, three) different mobile networks on me, none of them had any signal whatsoever. It’s the first time I’d been cut off from the internet since visiting Fox Glacier in New Zealand, and the feeling wasn’t one I enjoyed. I hoped we didn’t break down.

    I was a little worried about how Darling Downs Zoo was going to be, because I knew it was a very small regional zoo and wasn’t going to have many animals or much space. When we arrived, that feeling was reinforced as we looked at the dirt carpark and noted that there was no solid buildings on the grounds – just tin sheds. They couldn’t even put up their sign, and had it leaning against the entrance shed. Nevertheless, we paid our (quite reasonable) entry fee and went in and were given a map of the zoo. Why, I can’t imagine because the place is really just about a rectangular acre of land with an oval road leading from the entrance, around the exhibits and back again, although I guess the purpose was to indicate where each exhibit was so that you didn’t miss what you wanted to see.

    I’m going to cut straight past telling you about the few birds, ducks, wombats, kangaroos, emus and reptiles they had and get straight to the important stuff – the big cats. We passed the Tiger habitat, which was, while not enormous, still comparable in size to the one at the Auckland Zoo although a lot less fancy. I couldn’t see the resident tigress Shimana anywhere until Stefan pointed and said “There she is, hiding under that bush”. There she was, barely visible, hiding in the shade. I tried to get photos, but it was pointless as all you could see was a tiny bit of stripey orange tail. We moved on to the other side where the regular african lions were.

    The lions were, needless to say, awesome. They had a reasonable enclosure, again, just a bit of flat grass with a small mound in the middle and a plastic water trough. But they seemed very content. The male lion, Robbie was on his back in the shade with his legs spread which made for terrible photos unless you wanted a lovely shot of his genitals, so I concentrated on the two lionesses Zena and Delilah, who were gorgeous and laying together on their grassy mound, one asleep, leaning against the other in a cat-pile, as lionesses so love to do. I got lots of great photos of them together, and with a long zoom and manual focus, you can barely tell there was a wire fence between us.

    Then we moved onto the white lions. Now as you may know, white lions, while not actually a separate breed (they aren’t albinos either, they have a genetic mutation) have been extinct in the wild for almost three decades, and these two are the only ones in Queensland and among only about half a dozen in Australia, so it was pretty special to see them. Shaka (the male) and especially Shenzi (the female) were both huge, despite being only 18 months old. They were alert, but lazy like you would expect, and they lounged together in a corner. Unfortunately, since they were so close to the fence, I could not pull the same focus trick, and as a result, the wire fence is very visible in the photos.

    We quickly photographed the remaining birds (I got some lovely shots of the pretty macaws) before I returned to the front office as my lion-feeding session was due to start. The woman who took me to feed them was lovely and clearly loved the cats very much. We were all led through a gate to the back of the enclosures, and she had a very full bucket of chopped hunks of raw meat. As soon as they saw us approaching, all the cats leapt up and raced to the fence. We fed Robbie, Delilah and Zena first, and I gave Stefan strict instructions to use up all of the remaining 400 photos on my memory card. Robbie was regal and wonderful, but to be honest, it was Delilah and Zena who I found myself obsessing over.

    She warned me of course not to put my fingers through the cage, and handed me some meat with a foot long pair of bbq tongs and directed me to put it through the fence up high so that they stood up on their hind legs for the best photo opportunities. To my surprise she said “Now, while you’re feeding them, you can touch their paws and feel how sharp their claws are”. I hadn’t expected to get such an intimate encounter with them as the website had said nothing about this, and I took every opportunity to put my hand up against their massive paws and feel the rough pads on the bottoms and touch their massive sharp claws. She suggested I use two tongs and feed both a male and female at the same time for the camera, but I guess the lionesses were hungrier, because I ended up feeding Delilah and Zena together instead, which was fine by me because they were gorgeous.

    We then moved across to Shimana, the tigress’ enclosure to feed her. I was glad I’d chosen to feed them, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten any good photos of her. Shimana was very small for a tigress, and the keeper explained that it was partly because she was mostly a Balinese tiger rather than a Bengal, and that her lineage had been a little bit inbred which often resulted in a smaller animal. She was still very beautiful, and touching her paws was a real pleasure. Stefan commented that it looked like I was giving her a high five. Shimana made the most incredible guttural growling noises as I fed her. I asked Stefan to get lots of photos of her before and after the feeding since we’d missed her before.

    Then we moved onto the final attraction, and the reason for which we had come – the white lions. They were absolutely enormous despite their young age, and I’m told they are always ravenously hungry. Shaka was beautiful, and you could tell he was young, because he only had a short “teenage” lion’s mane. The keeper said they expected him to grow much larger than Robbie and after seeing him, I have no doubts that this will be the case. Shenzi was again my favourite, and she stood up so tall while being fed that she was often higher than I was, especially with her massive paws on the fence. I gave her lots of tasty chunks of meat, although Shaka was pretty insistent that I didn’t forget about him either ! After the feeding, they rubbed up against the cage, and I was allowed to stick my fingers inside and scratch them behind the ears and pat them and feel their manes. The white lions had much softer fur than the regular lions, and unlike Robbie’s mane who was wiry and tough, Shaka‘s was as soft as a plush toy’s fur. After I had finished feeding and stroking them, I got my camera back off Stefan to try a few close up shots, but I only got a couple out before I ran out of memory, so we finished up and headed back out so I could pick up a small stuffed white lion from the gift shop, err shed, as a souvenier.

    Well, all I can say is, Darling Downs Zoo did not disappoint in any way and while it was not as fancy as zoos such as Taronga or Auckland, the animals were well housed and appeared quite happy. I mean, if you don’t care about the big cats, forget it, because that’s really what they are about, and if you want to see ‘roos and emus and reptiles, there are better zoos for it. But if you are there to see the lions and tigers – DDZ is a great place for it. Having been to Dreamworld to see their tigers, I can definitely say that DDZ is a much better experience. You’re in the bush rather than some fancy but noisy, man-made facility, and you can get up much closer to the animals. It would be sorta cool if they had some glass viewing screens so that you could get photos without the cages, but I guess they might do that further down the track, since they’ve really only just acquired the white lions which are their main attraction.

    And if you go, do the lion feeding. Do not miss it. It’s $22 entry, and $50 per person for lion feeding, and I guarantee you that it is worth every cent. If not for the sake of being able to feed and touch these beautiful animals, but because the photo opportunities that it provides make the extra cost well worth it, and I left feeling that I’d gotten excellent value for money. If you want to see big cats up close and personal, and have them feed practically out of your hand – forget Dreamworld, go to Darling Downs Zoo. It wasn’t just a great day out – it was THE BEST DAY EVAR !!!!

    You can view the full gallery of photos (well, 85 out of the 688 that I took) on Facebook here.

  • 22Nov
    Categories: Personal Comments: 194

    So, mum and dad have been away for two days now. Mum complained to me earlier by sms that “A big cat has just anchored right beside us. God some people are dickheads” which made me laugh. I can just imagine them sitting downstairs glaring out the windows asking hypothetically “why did they anchor so close ?”.

    I really feel like I’m missing out by not being on this trip, but it’s their holiday and they wouldn’t want me spoiling it for them. Instead I decided to spend the day with Grandma, or at least, her book. I read half the other day and I decided it was time to finish it, so I grabbed a deckchair and a bottle of ginger beer and drove down to the waterfront.

    The tide was fully in, so where I’d chosen was just rocks down to the waterline with no beach visible at all. There was a nice cool breeze, so I just sat my deckchair down above the rocks and then did the natural thing – I jumped on IRC to gloat that I was sitting at the beach and everyone else wasn’t. I don’t know why I feel compelled to connect and tell people that I’m chatting to them from unusual places.

    After the novelty of talking on IRC wore off, mainly because noone was chatting back I opened up the book I was reading – Across the Timor Sea by Jose Robinson, my grandmother. It’s quite an interesting read and is told in a novel style rather than completely documentary which I was thankful for. At the end I was disappointed it wasn’t longer or that there was a movie version of it ! I’m glad I read it anyway, and hopefully my children can too one day and read about my great grandfather’s efforts during the war.

    The wind was getting a bit strong so I packed up and headed home. One thing I’m really enjoying about being by myself is taking care of the garden. I’ve been watering twice a day, which is more than necessary because it’s enjoyable and kills time.

    hb

  • 21Nov
    Categories: Personal Comments: 65

    I’ve got the house to myself this week. My parent’s place that is. They’ve gone off on a 10-day long exploration of the straits around the south end of Fraser Island. They’ve been preparing for weeks and I’ve been extremely envious. I just got a message earlier that said that they’ve reached their anchorage for the night and are just putting the fishing lines out to try and catch some dinner.

    I’m a bit funny about fishing because I’m of two minds. On one hand I think it is an incredibly cruel way to catch animals and I once heard the phrase in a book I once read (Desmond Morris – The Animal Contract) that “If fish could scream, fishing would be outlawed”. However I often wonder if there is anything more barborous about fishing over for example the slaughter of beef cattle.

    The real problem, I think is that fishing is fun, and logically I should not want to find anything cruel and painful for another species to be considered fun to me. But what is hunting and is it wrong for a man to experience a surge of adrenaline and an excitation of the nerves as one brings the spear into a beast ? Is the thrill of conquering another species supposed to excite and please ? Is it wrong to feel it ?

    Whatever the outcome, I am sure that fishing purely for pleasure is a terrible sin, but that maybe fishing for food is not such a horrible thing. We must eat, and that means that lower species must die. I would prefer that fishing could offer minimum harm to the victim, but it’s somewhat of an age-old method that has never changed. In some way I think that to hunt a free animal is still better than breeding them in captivity only to reach the same end result.

    Once the moral dilemma of fishing has passed, I threw my farm-breed beef onto the BBQ and thought back to the week before last’s southpark when the americans observed the japanese slaughtering cows and chicken and commented “Great. Now they’re normal, like us”. I must admit, I would love to be there hauling in on an excited bream or flat-head and then cooking it up for dinner. At the end of the week we’re supposed to meet up somewhere down the south end of Fraser and I’ll come aboard for a night and relax and maybe do a little fishing. A lion’s gotta eat, after all. :”)

  • 12Jul
    Categories: Personal Comments: 289

    Today we took the yacht out for a sail. Dad suggested we go out in the tinny but I wouldn’t have a bar of it because I hadn’t been sailing in years. It was a cold morning and we all went down early all rugged up. We didn’t bring the dog with us because she would have needed to go ashore to pee and we didn’t have the dinghy with us.

    I was nominated skipper, which basically meant I got to watch the GPS and baby-sit the autopilot. As dad said “You can steer if you want but this is 2009. Nobody steers anymore”. For an old boat, it had a lot of modern equipment on it and I was happy to just adjust the autopilot as we rounded the beacons on the GPS and drink a beer and look at the amazing view. There wasn’t a breath of wind but the sun was soon up and it was an absolutely magic warm day on the bay. The water was crystal clear and at one point Dad looked over and said “shit, it’s shallow” but I looked at the depth sounder and said “You know what ? It’s over 10 meters deep”. You could just see everything on the ocean floor as we passed over it. Since there wasn’t much wind to speak of we motored all the way over to Fraser though we did put the sails up they weren’t doing much. We had the trolling line out the back of the boat on a goomi with the hope that we might pick up a mackerel.

    By the time we got over there the wind had picked up a little bit and we turned down-wind to make the best of the situation and turned the motor off. It was so quiet and peaceful. We were barely moving and certainly getting nowhere fast, but the point of the day was to sail, and sail we did. There were so many other boats out, fishing and sailing. A small group of racing yachts had started their race at the marina and were now chasing each other down the headland at the north end of the bay. It was beautiful to see all the spinnakers up. Even if we weren’t moving much ourselves it helped the sailing atmosphere to see other yachts doing their thing.

    We were having visitors later in the afternoon so we had to reluctantly turn back towards Hervey Bay. Just as we did, a pod of dolphins popped up nearby and followed us for a bit. A little later we spotted several more groups. We were practically surrounded by dozens of dolphins ! Sailing along in total silence among the dolphins was just an amazing experience. Well, silence apart from Triple J. We were listening to the Hottest 100 of All Time and we were down to the top 50. There was some great songs, apart from The Beach Boys who somehow snuck a song into the top 50 which left us all just dumbfounded. The wind had picked up a bit and we were making a nice pace but we had to start the motor to head into the wind to round the beacon and avoid the shallow waters near Big Woody Island.

    The sun was warm and the afternoon was just beautiful. From a gloomy looking morning it had turned into a perfect day to be out, if not so good for sailing but I didn’t care as the sails were filled at least and it was so enjoyable. The Catalina is a very roomy boat downstairs and the fridge had cooled down the beer to taste. It’s such a cute little boat. As we head home I wonder if I will ever be able to share this experience with Suki. It’d be cool for sailing to stay in the family as I certainly enjoy it and although I likely won’t buy one, I might hire one again one day for a day trip such as today. We make plans to come on an overnight trip to Fraser soon and headed home to finish off the top 100 at home. A great day out.

  • 22Feb
    Categories: Personal Comments Off

    Mum challenged me recently to do the Gold Coast Half Marathon in July 2009 and it’s a big challenge for someone in my shape but I took it on wholeheartedly. I’m going to lose close to 20 kg and get in the best shape of my life before July so that I can do the Half Marathon and get a T-shirt for the second time.

    I went out jogging with Jake this evening and we did our usual course up the hills behind our house. It was really a walk, but it’s a very tough walk due to the steep hills involved. We committed to doing it again Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. That’s every two days. After we got back I was so pumped that I started some weight training. I have the weakest arms though and I quickly got tired just lifting 3kg weights on each arm. Jake laughed when I told him but I don’t care because I can run circles around him !

    I’ve just finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, which was the first anime that Josh and I watched together on SBS back in Hervey Bay so many years ago. It was what made us both fall instantly in love with the genre and we both became the most avid consumers over the following years. Watching it by myself again was both hard and wonderful. I remember watching episode 22 together when Shinji met the other boy pilot and how we both struggled to hold back our tears in front of each other.

    Next I’m going to watch more of his anime. He left so much on his hard drives. 280 gig on hard drive and much more on DVD. His favourite series and the one I remember him loving the most was Hikaru No Go and I look forward to watching that but first I’m going to watch his massive Inu Yasha collection. This is really oldschool anime and some stuff that’s really worthy of respect. It’s many years old and a really long series that dragged on for ages. I think I respect it because unlike other fight-of-the-day anime it’s still a love story at heart and it’s inspired many amazing AMV’s.

    I’m listening to Lou Reed and crying a bit for thinking of Josh. I feel awesome after so much exercise though and I could get up and box 12 rounds right now. Josh loved Lupin the Third a lot as well, aka Monkey Punch, or Miyazaki’s alter ego. This semester I’m going to watch a lot of Josh’s anime and make him proud of me with Uni and life and my daughter. Josh I wish you’d been there to see Suki born. You were the uncle I always wanted to have for my children and you’ll be there in spirit through all those years to come. I’m going to have to be twice the father to make up for you not being there, but I know I can provide enough love for both of us. Take care up there and I hope you’re looking down on Suki every night.

  • 22Feb
    Categories: Personal Comments: 7

    I got up this morning and took my laundry downstairs. By a funny chance of coincidence, both my flatmates were already sitting downstairs waiting for their laundry as well. It’s so funny that we are a house of separated men and that we all get along so well. We divided up the yardwork first thing. Jake agreed to mow the front and Chris the back and I said I’d whippersnipper.

    I watched a really amazing anime first thing. It was a movie called Origin – Spirits of the Past and it was truly epic. It wasn’t by a major director so I wondered if it was going to be any good but it turned out to be amazing. The animation was beautiful and the characters reminded me a lot of Shinkai Makoto (Voices of a Distant Star, Places Promised etc) and the story was a dead ringer for a Miyazaki. Specifically Princess Mononoke, because the story is about humankind’s battle with a dangerous forest. I’m going to write a proper review of it later because it was truly a great story of the likes of the best japanese anime directors I could name. The theme was traditional but never cliched and while I recognised many familiar themes I never felt it tried to mimic anything else. As usual I was deeply in love with the female lead by the end of the movie and it succeeded in making me cry when I thought her hero was dead.

    I encouraged everyone in the house downstairs this afternoon and I put The Wall on the iMac and turned on the outside speakers. I had it right up to the top and all the doors open so everyone nearby would have known what we were listening to. I opened a nice bottle of red that Chris had suggested I chill because he was a barman and said that wine was nice cold. I gave it a try and it really was beautiful. I sat outside with my powerbook and posted to a few web communities (the USQ Addicted to Anime club) about a planned event next Sunday.

    I resolved to have an anime screening and games night at the end of O-week and open my house to anyone who came along to watch stuff on the plasma. I’ve done it before a few times and it’s always been a great (though tiring !) way to meet like-minded people. We watch anime until late and then we play GameCube and Wii games until everyone finally agrees to GTFO as I complain how sleepy I am. (Those damned anime fans can go all night!)

    As Chris starts the back lawn I put on my favourite internet radio station, WJOE – All Pink Floyd, All the time, No interruptions whatsoever. I love it and I sit outside all afternoon posting and talking online listening to really LOUD Pink Floyd. I try to get Jake interested in Home Brewing, but he’s too stoned^H^H^H^H^H^Htired and sleeping on the bed so I boil the billy for hot water and do the brew up myself. It’s a ginger beer one this time which I love because they’re really easy and always come out good. Oh and they don’t take too long for their secondary fermentation either !

    It’s almost 6pm so I reheat last night’s fantastic spaghetti and bolognaise meatballs and sit outside eating my italian alfresco with my chilled red and listening to Division Bell. I’m feeling very house-proud lately and I spent the day scrubbing the kitchen and washing out all the bins. I’ve spent many hours recently sitting on my front and back patios listening to very loud music and watching the world go by. The view from my front yard is truly beautiful and I try to appreciate it whenever I can. I’m normally such a busy person that I can’t find much time to reflect and watch the world go by but lately I’ve needed that time to contemplate what sort of future I want and take steps to make it happen.

    I’m really excited about going back to Uni. Since I don’t know for sure what course I’ll be accepted into I’ll be attending several orientation tours depending on whether I get IT, Arts, General Studies or Psychology. I’d also like to attend the instrumental and vocal auditions for the music course as I’d love to meet up with another musician to expand our musical horizons. Jake and I came up with a name for our collaboration. We call it “Japanese Suicide Death-Pact Car”, which is a tongue-of-cheek nickname for his Toyota Delica. I’ll be putting some music online soon. I fired up Reason for the first time in a while the other night and straight off I knocked out a great little electronic tune that I was really happy with. I just want to hook up Abletron Live and overdub some guitar solos on it and then I will post it here, I promise !

    The back yard looks awesome. So many great Australian plants. I just want a nice tree to provide shade and a home for birds. One in the front and one in the back would be great. Maybe two in the front. Mum replanted a potted one in the back yard recently but we really need some in the front to attract the birds, because the cats LOVE birds, even though they rarely catch anything.

    I’ve finished my chilled red we’re still listening to Floyd and it’s almost sun-down. I’m not sure what I’m going to do tonight but I’d like to do a little coding and admin for either Suki’s site or my new one that I’ve registered. I bought “ismyhome.com.au” so that I can create forums and photo galleries and stuff on subdomains such as “toowoomba.ismyhome.com.au” and “brisbane.ismyhome.com.au” and all manner of places over Australia. 2009 is going to be a very busy Web year for me with a lot of personal projects on the table.

    Ja ne readers and kom ban wa for a beautiful cool Toowoomba evening and I hope the sky is beautiful where you are in the world tonight.

  • 21Feb
    Categories: Personal Comments: 2

    I wasn’t planning to blog about my personal life because, well… it’s personal :”) But I wrote a really long email today and it was just some stuff about where I was in life and what I wanted from the future and I thought that it’s something that I might like to read again someday, so I’ve decided to put it online, warts and all so that maybe one day I can look back on this weekend from a different place and hopefully have progressed a lot in the intervening time and I don’t know, god forbid maybe one day my kids will want to know personal stuff about me and they’ll read this, if I keep it online long enough.

    Today has been really hard. It’s the first weekend since I started seeing Suki that I don’t get to see her and looking at her photos makes me cry so much. I have a really nice one in which she’s wearing a cute bonnet that I want to print out really big and frame to put on the wall in my office. I went shopping for the second time since really breaking up with Jo today and it really brought me down despite my resolve to move on from her. It was a familiar place where we’d been so many times and I thought of the many times we’d bought sushi together there. I passed bra shops and women’s clothes shops and jewelry shops and at every one I instinctively thought about what I could buy for Jo. It made me angry at myself that I was still so attached to her despite everything she’d done and my conviction to forget about her.

    I don’t want to get back together with Jo because I know that things could never be the same as they were. It’s still really hard to accept that such a wonderful happy life could be over so suddenly though and I feel a lot of pain and anger at Jo for not having the guts to talk to me about things. Saying that she couldn’t tell me she was unhappy because she was afraid of how I would react is so hurtful when all I ever did was show her love and affection all the time. If it was over, the least she could have done was show me the respect of telling me properly instead of just running away.

    I still don’t know whether to believe her words or whether she’s just saying she was unhappy to make things easier on herself or to hurt me. Having her refuse to look at me and refuse to be in the same room with me after all the love and happy times we shared really tears my heart out but in some ways it makes it easier on me. I feel cheated by all the happy times but if Jo really wants her own life now I’d rather she have what she want. I feel so stupid though because I truly thought we were forever. I thought we shared so much and that we were so perfect that we would be together until we grew old and that I could tell her everything and now my trust has been betrayed and I feel like everything was a lie

    I desperately want to meet someone new because I feel like my heart is overflowing with love and there’s no place for it to go. I want to cook meals for someone and share time together and go shopping and on picnics and things but I know it’s not going to be that easy to find someone I can care for like I cared for Jo and who feels like the right person to spend my life with especially when I lack friends and a social life. I don’t want to be alone like my friends, living in a share house when I’m forty because I care too much about others to be like that. I need to be needed by someone to feel complete. I feel like I have no worth unless there’s someone who relies on me to do things for them.

    I would have done anything for Jo and if she’d just asked me to I could have changed in so many ways because I wanted to be there for her and be what she needed but now that she’s thrown me away like an empty can of beer I feel like I was a failure and I didn’t even realise because I stupidly thought that she loved me the way I was. I just don’t know what I did wrong other than get in a little trouble with the police a couple of times. I worked for her and I paid the mortgage and fed her and bought her clothes whenever she wanted them and spent quality time with her. Whenever she said she wanted something, I made sure I got it for her. I never treated her poorly or disrespected her or neglected her. I thought I was the perfect husband because she told me so often that I was and that she was so happy with me, so I keep looking back and thinking “Fuck. What did I do wrong ?”

    I wasn’t always happy with her addiction to painkillers and her lack of motivation to do anything with her life but I thought she would be a great mother and that was good enough for me, but now I want something more. I want a girl who’ll challenge me. Someone I have to work to keep up with. Someone who wants more than to sit at home and watch TV. I want someone who wants their own life too. Someone who gives a fuck about more than when she’s going to have her next mersyndol tablet. I just hope that I can find someone like that who is actually interested in me. I’ve joined a few dating web sites and I put up a personal ad on the noticeboard at Uni but I’m feeling very old at the moment and I can’t see there being too many Uni girls interested in a 30 year old divorcee. Uni’s probably my best chance of meeting someone like me though since the dating sites are all full of girls who just want to go clubbing and drinking and shit that I don’t like.

    All I want out of life is to run a business and spend time with someone I love and raise beautiful children and teach them about computers and life and the world. I have so much love to give and giving it is the most important thing in the world to me. I’m saddened that I’ve wasted 8 years with Jo that I’m never going to get to live again and I think of it now as a terrible mistake but at least I’ve got one good thing which came out of it which is Suki who’s going to be the most beautiful girl in the world and who’s life I’m going to be a part of somehow no matter what, but I know that in other ways she’s going to be a constant reminder until the day I die of the love that I thought I had and lost.

    I’m very afraid that I’m never going to be happy again. I’m afraid that it might be years until I find love again and that by then it will be a different kind of love, and not the same as the way you feel when you are young and think you’ve been blessed by finding the most perfect person on the face of the planet. All my life I’ve never had any kind of enduring relationship with anyone, no friends that I could say I’d known since I was young that I’d shared my life with and it’s something I’ve always wanted. I want to be familiar with someone. I want to know them like my mum has known my dad – since forever and having shared all your experiences with them. And that chance is gone now. I’ll never have another childhood love and I’ll never have another magical wedding like my first.

    But I’m going to keep living anyway even if my life is filled with nothing but pain, because I would never take myself away from Suki. She’s always going to need me, even if I only see her for a few hours each week and I feel a bond with her stronger even than my love for Jo. I was always afraid before Suki was born that I wouldn’t feel the love that you’re supposed to feel. I always felt like I was deficient in that sort of feeling and that I wouldn’t know that sort of bond. But I do feel it. I feel it so much more strongly than I ever expected and it’s an amazing feeling. When I saw her last Wednesday and I held her in my arms I just held her and stared at her for about four hours solid without even getting tired and it was like nothing I’d ever felt before.

    When I look at her my heart is filled in a way that it’s never been filled before and I feel strong and that I could do anything. She gives me hope for the future and makes me feel like I’ve done an amazing thing by giving her life. While the prospect of not seeing her every day fills me with sorrow and makes me feel like I can’t bear to live, the moments I do have with her are so precious to me that I want to fill my life with as many of them as I can.

    Fuck Jo for leaving me and wasting my precious time but thank god something good came out of that time that I can treasure forever and that is going to bring me joy for the rest of my life. Suki, I love you so much and we’re going to have the greatest times together. We’re going to go to the park together and fly kites. We’re going to go to movies together and see awesome stories and anime. I’m going to take you to Timezone and we’re going to play something stupid and fun like Dance Dance Revolution. We’re going to go bowling and play golf and travel and do so many things together.

    I just wish the time until I next see you could pass faster. It’s only been three days but they have felt like the longest days in my entire life. When I see you next, I’m going to have some new books to read to you. I know you probably don’t care what I read right now but I’d still like to get you new stories so that by the time you are old enough to know the difference that I have a massive library of kids books, because you’re going to be an avid reader like me if I have anything to do with it. My training for you has started already ! :”)