Raving and Drooling – A lion’s tail

We went to an amazing karaoke party for a friend of Merry’s birthday the other night. It was so much fun. It wasn’t pub-style karaoke. It was Japanese-style private-booth style karaoke and it was so much fun. We did a small number of Vietnamese songs, but most were western songs. I know Hotel Calafornia is one of Merry’s favourite songs so I said we’d do that and she fucking wussed out and made me sing it on my own ! I sucked at it too ! I only got a 95% rating on the computer, though that wasn’t the worst one, it’s just that other people were scoring 99% so they obviously sang better.

When we did Bohemian Rhapsody though I ran across to the other side of the room to sing with John, even though we don’t get along and frankly he makes me want to punch him most times I talk to him, but since he was there with us I thought I should put our differences aside and go sing with him, and we had fun.

The best song of the night was the final one though. We all sang Champagne Supernova by Oasis and oh my god it was good. Everyone linked arms and we sang it like the beautiful ballad that it was.

I’d tell you more, but I mean… that’s it really. We all went out. I didn’t even know who was going other than Tuan, so it was great to realise that I actually knew half the people there, even though not always by name. It’s good to know that I actually have a circle of friends who all know each other and hang out together. I really feel included when I go somewhere and go “Oh hi ! I didn’t know you were going to be here too !”

Lots of fun. Great night out. Here’s the photos. Oh, and a video of us singing Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf !

What’s so special about September the 2nd 1945 ? It’s the day Ho Chi Minh liberated Vietnam from the French rule and declared it its own independent country. Naturally it’s a public holiday and everyone gets the day off work to relax and celebrate 66 years of independent rule. To be honest, I was a little disappointed, because I was expecting some sort of crazy festival like Tet (The Chinese/Vietnamese new year festival) but really it’s just a relaxed day to chill out and go to the park and see a little bit of festivities and music and stuff.

While there was a stage setup in Ben Thanh park, we didn’t go there because… well Independence Day for us meant drinking with our friends in Bui Vien street. But first off, Lil rang me up since she’d just seen me the night before and said “Do you want to come to lunch with me at a Japanese restaurant”. I replied, “Hold on, I’ll check” and turned to Merry and asked “Do you want to go to lunch with my Vietnamese friend Lil ?” and she said “Sure” so I lifted up the phone again and said “Yeah, that’d be great” and Lil said “What, did you have to check your calendar or something to see if you could fit me into your busy schedule ?” and I said “Uhh, no. But I have someone here with me. I had to ask my girlfriend” and she was like “Oh my god ! You have a girl with you ? Bring her along ! I want to meet her !”

So we went to the Japanese Sweets store. The one that sells the amazing chocolate that I’ve told you about before. Lil didn’t realise I knew the place, but of course I did. What I didn’t realise was that upstairs is a fabulous restaurant with some of the most delicious authentic Japanese food. We turned up and she had a friend of hers there that I’d met at the pool party the other night. I think his name was John and he’s Chinese.

John and Lil shared a big bento box, and Merry got some Japanese Kim Chee and stuff and I got my favourite Katsu Don Curry which was to die for. But I did try some of Merry’s Kim Chee, so yes Simon and Martina, I have been eating my Kim Chee, even though I realise Japanese Kim Chee and Korean Kim Chee aren’t really the same. We all had dessert and afterwards we went walking to get a drink because Merry can’t stand the heat here and she wanted coconut milk. Yes, fresh, out of a whole coconut. It’s popular here.

I’m also teaching Merry guitar ! She really wanted to learn and she didn’t want to learn on the mandolin, so when we passed a music store in Ben Thanh, I dropped in to look because I know that guitars are cheap as shit here. I wanted a nylon string because it would be much easier for her to learn on, but they only had one nylon string and it was a very nice electric acoustic which frankly, I would have LOVED to own, but I wasn’t going to pay $100 or more for a guitar today, so I settled for a cheap steel string with a nice high action.

I asked for his cheapest one and the guy showed me an $18 one and I just looked at the awful neck quality and everything and went “No way. That’s shit. What’s the next best one ?” and he showed me a much nicer one that looked quite decent quality. He wanted 600,000 for it, or almost $30 and I was like “No, can you make it cheaper ?” and he goes “No. Cannot” and I said “How about 550,000 ?” and he instantly went “Ok sure”. I reckon I could have haggled down to 500,000 if I’d been prepared to just walk out but I wasn’t. So I got a nice looking steel string guitar for less than $25 AUD with a nice high action that’s easy to play and has a good sound.

We parted ways with Lil who wanted to go home and sleep because she’s been so busy partying lately and Merry and I went to a photo place I knew nearby to get a photo printed. It was a photo of the old lady who owns the Bia Hoi place. Merry says she’s been very kind to her and she likes her a lot. Well, we all do. She’s like the bossy grandmother who is always telling us to get our feet off the table. So we got a big 20x30cm photo of her that Merry took the previous night printed and put into a nice frame.

It was a little expensive to get printed because the place I usually go to only charges 80 cents for a photo that size, but they take 24 hours to do it and we wanted it now, so we just bought a cheap frame at that place and went to another place to print the photo who charged us over $2… the bastards ! That’s what you get in Pham Ngu Lao though. Walk three blocks in any direction and suddenly the price of anything drops by 60%. We stopped into the Rhum House because I wanted to see if TJ or Jin were in there so I could tell them the good news, but sadly they weren’t there. My photo I took of their opening night was on the fridge though. I guess Cyril couldn’t find anywhere to hang it so he took it out of the frame and put it on the top of the fridge instead. It sorta loses a little of the effect not being framed, but at least I still have one of my photos up in a bar in Saigon.

Anyway we went to the Bia Hoi place and I presented the framed photo to the old woman and she was so happy. She showed it around to everyone there, and Hoa was like “Oh my god. Who gave you that ?” (in Vietnamese) and she pointed over at Merry and I and we smiled and I waved. Everyone present wanted to see and I’m so glad we did it, because it only cost us a few dollars but I think it made her really happy to get such a thoughtful gift from two of her regular customers and seeing the smile on her face was just priceless.

Corey and Phuong turned up and we got some jugs and drank and played guitar. A Vietnamese guy borrowed it for a while and led all his friends in a singalong. I tell you what, I got way more than $24.90 value out of that guitar just that night alone. It livened things up and people were always stopping to watch. Because it had a different sound to my other guitars I was ripping out some cool stuff. It has a high action but is still soft to play, so big slides sound really good on it and I was doing this funky jazz stuff on it because it has a really hollow, rounded sound, whereas my Martin is all crisp and sharp, so this guitar allows me to play things in ways I couldn’t play them on my Martin.

I said to Corey “I can’t sing and play. Can you make up some lyrics if I play a simple 12 bar blues ?” and he goes “I’ll give it a go”. And give it a go he did. He came up with the funniest, most relevant and hilarious lyrics about Saigon and the Bia Hoi place and how everything is so cheap and the ridiculous way you can get any drug you want over the counter without a prescription. It was priceless. I really hope they turn out, but if they’re half decent, I’ll have them up on YouTube for you later.

We left around closing time because we were hungry and I suggested we go eat in District 8 at home where it’s cheaper so we went home via taxi, because for some retarded reason, the majority of busses in Vietnam stop at around 6-7pm which I totally don’t understand. Some run later, but very few and none to our area which is annoying as hell because taxis are so expensive. I need to get a motorbike. It’d pay for itself within a month just saving on taxi fares, but at least at that time of night there’s minimal traffic so it doesn’t take long to get home and only costs about $3.50 at most.

We went out to a little outdoor beer place and got some food. Merry was quite surprised that everything will still open after 2am in the morning and I said “Yeah, well these people haven’t been out all night drinking. They’ve probably been at work or something. When people eat at 2am in District 8 it’s because that’s the hours they keep, not because they’re crazy tourists out drinking like us”.

We wandered around a bit. We actually had another meal at another place it seems. I can’t remember why. Maybe the first one was unsatisfying. I remember my Singapore noodles were good, but I don’t think Merry liked what she got, so we stopped in somewhere else for a little bowl of rice soup each which is always yummy. I never thought I’d eat so much rice and noodles as I do now and enjoy it, but I do. My diet isn’t hamburgers, KFC and chocolate anymore… it’s fruit, vegetables, noodles, rice and soup. That can’t be a bad thing for me, right ? I’m pretty sure I’ve already lost a little bit of weight. At least, I’m sure my man boobs are a bit smaller hahaha.

Anyway, here’s the photos. I’ll upload the video later once I’ve checked it out and processed it. As usual I’ll show a couple of my favourites and then you can view the rest individually or as a slideshow.

I’d love to tell you everything about what happened the last few days and about all the great people we met at the Bia Hoi place and such and how much fun we had but I just don’t have time. Last night was amazing. We went out with Merry’s friend for her birthday and I was curious what we were going to do… whether it would be at someone’s house or at a bar. No, we went to karaoke. You know, proper, private booth, Japanese style karaoke. But that’s a different story. I’ll tell you that one when Tuan gives me the photos.

No, the last few days we’ve just been at the Bia Hoi place drinking cheap beer and meeting people. Merry knows EVERYONE in Pham Ngu Lao. I’m pretty bad, but Merry is ridiculous. The only person worse than her is Lil, who just seems to know everyone in Saigon. In fact she gets out way too much. She rang me this morning. Woke me up actually just to say “Hahaha I thought you said you didn’t dance and you didn’t go to night clubs. Because I saw you dancing with that girl from the Bia Hoi place at Vasco’s last night at 2 in the morning”.

I was just like “OMG. What are you spying on me ? Were you there last night ? You saw me and you didn’t even say hello ? Why not ?” She just said “You were with friends. I was with friends. So I thought I’d leave you alone and talk to you today”. Anyway she invited us out to lunch at a Japanese restaurant in the city. The one that makes that amazing hand-made chocolate that I love. Anyway so we’re all doing that soon, but I needed to at least post the photos of the last few days in Pham Ngu Lao.

I mean we just met some of the most incredible people. They were all wonderful but I just have to tell you about a couple. There was this old guy called Sonny. He was a veteran of the Vietnam War. When he told me I was like “Bullshit. You aren’t old enough to be have been in the war are you ?” and he goes “Yeah. I’m 66. You didn’t think I was that old ?” and I was like “No. I thought maybe you were closer to my age, not my parents age”. He was a riot. He had us all drinking this crazy super strong rice wine. He was just passing around shots at the Bia Hoi place. You can do that there.

Like many places in Vietnam, it’s acceptable not only bring your own food into a drinking establishment but you’re even allowed to bring your own booze in, as long as you’re still buying beer as well. So we were all having shots of rice wine. Most of the guys were just gagging in horror and quickly knocking back beer to wash it down, but I’m made of harder stuff and I was like “Yup, no problems” and Sonny was going “Good man. You handle Vietnamese liquor well”.

Oh and there was Lockey, the Aussie. He was just sitting nearby and we got talking. He was an older retired guy with a Vietnamese girlfriend. She was very friendly too. She went and bought mudcrab and was breaking up the shell for us and we were eating mud crab. It was so good too. Best mud crab I’ve had in years.

Then were was the “Everybody Yo” guy. I’ve told you about him before. I have photos here of him. He’s the guy with his hair bleached white who’s showing off and unzipped his fly for a photo for lulz. His name is actually Hoa and as soon as he told me I cracked up laughing and said “Oh my god, isn’t that a girl’s name ? The latest girl I dated was called Hoa !” He just smirked at me and said “No, it can be a boy’s name” and I was like “Maybe for YOU”. I’d say it’s a pretty sure bet Hoa is gay. He sure acts it, and he has his hair dyed a different colour every night. But he’s awesome. Such a funny guy and he’s there all the time. I love hanging out with him.

I’ve become good friends with Tuan, the little guy with the glasses who often works at the Bia Hoi place. But the thing is, he doesn’t really work there. He just helps out for fun. He likes the owner and he likes to help out pouring drinks and collecting glasses and such even though he doesn’t get paid for it. Anyway we’ve been out with him so many times recently. He was at karaoke last night too. He’s a great young guy.

We met a friend of his called Phuong Tau who was a really nice girl. I asked her “Are you Vietnamese ?” and she goes “Yeah why ?” and I said “Well, you don’t look totally Vietnamese. You look a little bit Japanese almost” and she goes “Hahaha. Yeah. Everyone tells me I don’t look Vietnamese and they always ask me where I come from”. She was a nice girl. We met another great guy called Corey. He was American but he lives in the Philippines. He’s traveled Asia a lot and just today he and Phuong Tau went off to a national park together to go hiking. I’m pretty sure she liked him quite a lot. They made a cute couple too.

Speaking of couples. I know I bitched about the way everyone looked at Merry and I in District 8 yesterday. Not so in District 1. Last night at the birthday party, it was all mixed race couples. John the big American guy (who I detest and almost had a fight with the other day because he keeps calling the place “Ho Chi Minh City” and I was just like “Why the fuck do you keep calling it that ? Noone else here is calling it that”) was with a Vietnamese girl.

Another British guy was with a Vietnamese girl. And another American. And I was with Merry. It was a crazy mix of cultures and there were no couples from the same country at all, hahahah. I guess what flies in Q.1 doesn’t fly so easily in Q.8 … you know what I mean ? In the city, anything goes, but in the suburbs it’s possibly more odd, I dunno.

We spent so much time chatting to vendors the last few days as well. Merry knows as many of them as me. I even got photos of Gau and Nam and Linh and Twe and oh god.. I don’t even know the other ones’ names unfortunately which I feel bad about. But yeah, I have both my weed dealers pictures now. They better not rip me off ! Hahaha. Actually I have photos of me hugging both of them. Could that be a meme ? “Have you hugged YOUR drug dealer today ?” Hahaha.

We had so much fun with Nam and Linh too. I mean, it’s lucky it’s school holidays. Some of the photos I have of Linh are taken at 4:30 in the morning and I was just like “Jesus Linh. It’s 4:30am and you’re 10 years old walking around the streets still selling roses. Shouldn’t you be home in bed ?!”

I told you about the weird game the Irish backpackers were playing where they would pass a drink stirrer from person to person by screwing up your top lip to hold it in place under your nose. I couldn’t do it due to having a moustache though. They were making both Linh and Nam do it at separate times over a couple of nights. They somehow convinced Linh to stick dozens of the things in every hole in her face. Actually, knowing Linh I bet she didn’t need any convincing at all. She’s a little nutcase. I bet you’d have to convince her NOT to do that.

Anyway, it was a great time but I don’t have time to tell you everything right now so I’m just going to link you to the best 200 odd of the photos that Merry and I both took and you can see for yourself how happy everyone is and how much fun we’re all having.

This post would no doubt be longer if I’d related it last night before going to sleep but I was buggered and when I got home I just crashed.

Joy wanted me to make some phone calls for him to potential sponsors and I needed to pickup my camera charger finally so I walked into the city. I got caught in the rain as usual because it always rains in the afternoons lately and I mean, it seriously rains. After walking in the rain for a bit, I ducked into KFC for shelter and grabbed something to eat while I waited for it to ease off, which it did thankfully and I continued on. I went to my favourite camera store in Pasteur and as soon as he saw me the guy there said “Hey, how are you doing sir ? I have your new charger right here” and reached behind the cabinet and produce a nice new Nikon battery charger and said “So sorry about the problem with the last one. If you have any more problems with this one, bring it straight back and we’ll get you another. Very sorry for the inconvenience”.

I’ve heard that about Vietnamese stores before from people. If something you’ve brought breaks, they replace it immediately, no questions asked. One person even said their maid dropped their cable tv box and they took it back to Nguyen Kim and they just gave them a new model without even asking what had happened to it. So that’s pretty cool. In Australia they would have been like “You bought this more than two weeks ago. You don’t get a replacement. We’ll send this one off for repair and you might get it back in a month or two”. So that’s pretty cool and a nice thing about Vietnam.

I met up with Joy and we headed back to Pham Ngu Lao, stopping off for lunch on the way. He kept telling me about this girl he knew. He said she was looking for a western husband and that he’d told her about me and said I was a good, kind person and whatever but that he wanted to check her out first and make sure she was genuine and that she’d actually stay with me because he said he knew another guy who bought a girl a house which obviously had to be in her name because he wasn’t a resident and she’d just left him and kept the house. But he said to me “You want to marry a Vietnamese girl right ?” and I said “Well, maybe. But not immediately and not just any girl” and he said “Oh no. This girl is very, very beautiful. I guarantee, you will see her and you will not want to leave. She is a very good girl. Very beautiful, polite, kind. You will like her a lot”.

I tried to explain that I just don’t really like the idea of being setup. It would be so weird to meet a girl and know that she’s not just getting to know you, she’s assessing you and deciding if you’re good husband material. You know what I mean ? If she liked me and she wanted to keep seeing me I would be thinking “Is that because you like me as a person or because you just happen to think I’m good enough to be your husband ?” It would be so weird. I really don’t think I could do it.

We went back to Pham Ngu Lao and sat around and I had a few beers then I called a couple of people Joy wanted to talk to. We tried to call a guy in Australia who Joy assures me is a really nice guy and has a very good wage because he works for the government but I couldn’t get hold of him. Joy said “He is very rich. He earns 48,000 a year” and I laughed and said “Joy, that’s not much in Australia. The average wage in Australia is 66,000. That guy earns very little” and he was like “Wow, so much money” and I said “No. Australia is expensive” and he said “I know a woman who has a big house on the beach in Sydney. How much would that cost ?” and I said “Probably 3 million dollars” and he just stared incomprehensibly at me and I could see his mind boggling over how much money that was just for a house. Oh well, he’ll get the picture eventually.

He wanted me to ring a woman in the USA who’d sponsored him 10 years ago, presumably when he was a missionary in Singapore but the guy at the phone store told him the time difference wrong and said it was almost 7am there. I said “No Joy, it’s not even 5am in Florida yet” but he assured me she wakes up very early, so I agreed to ring her at 6am, her time. I did, and of course woke her up but she wasn’t mad. She just explained that her husband had just died very suddenly and she was retired and had financial troubles of her own and her whole life had been turned upside down so she really wasn’t in a position to be worrying about Joy. I talked to her for a bit and thanked her for her time and apologised for waking her up. She seemed a nice lady, but I can certainly understand why now wasn’t the sort of time for her to be worrying about sponsoring Joy.

I’d been wearing these sunglasses I’d bought because the light was hurting my eyes and Joy kept on commenting that they made me look like some rich businessman and said “How can you afford these ? These are expensive Ray Bans” and I laughed and said “No, these are cheap imitations. Less than $5. But they look ok” and he goes “Yeah. I think you look like a movie star. You are a very handsome man. I think you must have much success with girls”. Normally, this would piss me off because people in Vietnam say that sort of shit to you all the time and I just don’t fucking believe them because they’re just kissing your ass, but I know Joy’s not that sort of person. Apparently he really does think I’m some good looking guy with movie-star qualities. I find that hard to comprehend, but I admit, I’m not totally unhappy with my new look with my short hair. Sure, I miss my long hair, but I admit the short hair makes me look friendlier and younger and more approachable, so yeah, I guess I’m not too bad, but I find saying I look like a movie star pushing it a bit. It’s not like girls are throwing themselves at me, though frankly I’ve been taking it pretty easy in that respect lately.

Kelly, the New Zealander guy was there at the Bia Hoi place and he said that he’d gotten into Neil’s apartment complex and that he was going to start teaching immediately. He was very happy with the setup there and couldn’t stop thanking me for helping him find it so I was glad I was able to do that. The job really didn’t suit me, so I’m glad it wasn’t a complete waste of time meeting Neil. Turns out that Kelly is a rabid Mac user as well, which I really wouldn’t have picked, but I guess just because you’re a spiky haired Kiwi that’s covered in tattoos doesn’t mean you don’t have taste in computers, and I chatted to him at length about how much better Macs were and he just said “Oh but OS X is the real reason. It’s just so much less bullshit. Windows is constantly popping up stupid messages and errors and shit and you just want to scream ‘Stop fucking around just what I asked you already !’” and I laughed and agreed with him. It’s always nice to meet someone who really appreciates why Macs are so much better, especially when it’s a lay person who’s not into computers but has tried a Mac and immediately gone “Oh this is SO much better. I’m never going back to that Windows shit”.

A terrible thing happened though. My eyes had been sore all day. Partly because of this cold I’ve got I guess, sp I decided I had to take one of my contacts out and wash it because it felt dry and itchy. I’m always reluctant to do this in public in case I lose it. As I’m pulling it out, a guy walks past and said “Interesting place to be doing that. Hope that works out”. On his way back from the toilet I sheepishly admitted to him “I lost it. I was pouring water into my hand and it floated into the water bottle and when I tried to get it out, it went on the ground and now I’ve lost it”. He said “Awww that sucks man” and another guy nearby agreed and said “Yeah I’d rather have no contacts than one. If I try and wear one it drives me crazy” and I said “Yeah but what prescription are you ?” and he said “-5″ and I said “Yeah I’m -7. Without my contacts I can’t even cross the road. Especially not a Vietnamese road”.

There was an Aussie girl there who was a teacher. Her name was Nairi and I liked her because she spoke quite fluent Vietnamese and was flattering the old lady who ran the Bia Hoi place we were at by telling her smart she was. She said “There’s an optics place just down the road that sells glasses. I bet you could buy new contacts there” and I said “Yeah maybe, but I doubt they’d have my presciption just laying around” and she said “Near enough would be better than nothing, right ?” and I said “Yeah. Good point. I’ll go ask”.

I walked into the place and said “You have contact lenses ?” and the old guy said “Sure, which type. Daily, monthly, what ?” and I said “Don’t really care. Whatever’s cheapest. I just lost mine and I need a replacement immediately. You have them in stock ?” He asked what prescription I was and I told him and he said “No problems. They’re not at the store but we’ll have it for you in ten minutes”. “Cool. How much ?” I asked, fearing the worst because I really had very little money on me. “130,000 dong” he said. My mind melted on the spot, trying to comprehend that a set of Accuvue contact lenses that would have cost me $40 in Australia could be bought here for $5.90. I said “Yes please” and went back to the Bia Hoi place to wait for 10 minutes. I came back and the young girl ran in off the street carrying a bag with two fresh lenses and a lens case I took my old one out and put the two new ones in. Oh it was utter joy. Beautiful clean lenses and perfect sight again. for less than six dollars ! I was so relieved, because I doubted that Viet would be keen on taking me all the way back to District 8 to pickup a spare lens before the party, so this was just a godsend.

I invited Nairi along to the party and she said she’d be keen to come but that it would have to be after 10pm and that she’d call me to find out if it was still going by then. Viet turned up and I was busy chatting to Nairi and he struck up a conversation with some other Aussie guy sitting there. Aussies just seem to gravitate towards this place due to the cheap beer, but Kelly assures me that there’s another Bia Hoi place down the road that’s even CHEAPER, which is hard to comprehend, but I love the old lady here even though she’s incredibly bossy so I don’t really want to find somewhere new. I know them and they know me, so it feels homely when I go there and even though she’s a bossy, almost deaf old lady, whenever I turn up she’ll smile a tiny bit at me in recognition which makes you feel good, so I feel happy going there.

Anyway I said to Viet “Ready to go ?” and he said “Yep. Jump on” and I did and we headed off to District 3. It was a much further part of District 3 than where I’d lived before, so I wasn’t familiar with the area. When we got to the area we found a tiny supermarket and went in. Viet picked up some squid and some things but then looked at me and said “You’re the BBQ master, being Australian. What do we bring ?” and I said “Well, fresh meat would be good as well. They have some nice pork over there, we should get some of that”. So we got the squid and some pork and a bunch of chips and peanuts and of course about 18 beers before heading off.

We knew what street number Eddie’s place was, but the thing is, Vietnamese blocks tend to go deep into the back alleys, so apart from the major number, you’ve got to wander through these alleys looking for the minor number as well because the little alleys aren’t named because there’s so many of them and it would be impossible to find anything if every little alley had a name, so they just number you based on the main road and then what building number you are, like for example 284/53. We rode into the alley and stopped to ask for directions to his building and someone told us and we found it fairly easily. I was feeling good about the fact that when Viet had bought and ordered the food, I understood pretty much every word he’d said in Vietnamese and when I suggested he buy chips I had said “khoai tây” instead of “potato chips” and when we asked for directions of course I understood the street number they were talking about as well. I am obviously far from fluent, but it’s good to know that I know enough words to follow the conversation… sometimes.

We got to Eddie’s place and we didn’t have to check the number. There was a mass of people standing outside this apartment building on the street and someone had a BBQ and was cooking food. Viet went to park his bike and I walked in and immediately recognised a couple of people, but others just greeted me anyway. Eddie saw me and came over and said “Hey, David. Glad you could made it !” and we shook hands, grinning. Lil saw me too and came over and said “Nice to see you” and at that moment, Viet came back and I introduced them to each other. I sorta had this silly idea that they were going to hit it off, but while they chatted for a while I don’t think either of them were interested in the other. I don’t think Viet’s even looking for a girl. At one point I heard him saying to someone else that he enjoys the “single life”.

I asked Eddie “Why isn’t everyone on the roof around the pool ?” and he sorta grinned sheepishly and said “The roof isn’t very big and the pool’s probably not what you’re expecting” and he showed me a picture on his phone. It was a kid’s wading pool. I laughed and said “Oh. That’s not what I had pictured when you said ‘pool party’” and he said “Yeah well, it’s not so much a pool party as a party with a pool. A kid’s pool”. I laughed again and said “Oh well, everyone looks like they’re having fun anyway and your bbq is going well” and he said “Yeah for sure” and handed me a plate with some prawns and scallops on it and I nibbled a nicely bbq’d scallop.

I met this Vietnamese-Australian guy. I mean he was Vietnamese, but he had a heavy Aussie accent. He was a bit of a nutter too. He introduced himself as “Duke” and I said “Duke ?” and he said “Well, it’s D-u-c. But you know what people will call me if I tell them that in Australia” and I said “Duck ?” and he just nodded and said “Yeah”. I made some joke at one point to someone else about considering myself sort of Vietnamese and Duc turned to me and said “You will never be Vietnamese. Well. Maybe. Come back to me in five years time and talk to me in flawless Vietnamese and we’ll decide then if you’re Vietnamese”. He’d been making sorta arsehole-ish comments like this all night but I knew he was only joking and I said “Yeah well you certainly seem more Aussie than Vietnamese with that rude attitude of yours” and he goes “Yeah man. I’m a total cunt. I have the Aussie thing down perfectly” and I just said “You got that right”. I resolved at that point that I was going to call him “Duck” all night and tease him by quacking at him, but I think he must have left early because I didn’t see him again. He was a cool guy, but I think maybe he pushed the “I’m an Aussie bastard” thing a bit far. Not everyone was likely to be as easy-going as me about that sort of attitude as I was and he sometime pushed the border between funny and rude.

I met lots of great people, but after the first few I had to explain to each one “I’m sorry but I’ve used up my quota of names that I can remember in one day, so don’t be offended if I forget yours”. I was amazed how many Vietnamese people were there. I assumed it was going to be a western party with maybe one or two Vietnamese but I think there may well have been more Vietnamese than westerners which was great to see and everyone was getting along so well. There were people from a few other countries there and I met this nice girl named Hiroko from Japan and of course without trying to show off, I politely greeted her and introduced myself and said that it was nice to meet her in Japanese. It was great seeing her face light up when I did it and she seemed so happy that I’d gone to that effort and of course asked me how I came to know Japanese and I rolled up my sleeve and showed her my tattoo like I’ve done a million times before and she read it and said “Suki ?” and I said “watashi musume” and she was delighted to learn that my daughter had a Japanese name.

I didn’t feel like I was showing off by doing this, because everyone had been doing it all night. One guy commented that he was Chinese and a couple of people immediately said “Nihao” and other people were learning language from each other. Someone said that some of the meat was marinaded and this Vietnamese guy was like “What’s that word ?” and we all said it slowly for him and he was like “Ma-ry-nay-ted. Cool. Thank you. I want to remember that word” so it was cool that everyone was really into each other’s culture and language and we all wanted to learn from each other. Hiroko asked why I was into Japanese culture and I shrugged and said “I don’t know. I just tarted off watching anime and then I fell totally in love with Japanese music. Otsuka Ai is probably one of my favourite artists in the world” and she was like “Oh my god ? You like Otsuka Ai ? Yeah, she is amazing. Very popular singer” and I said “Yeah, I always said that when I finally get to Japan, seeing her perform is the thing I want to do the most. I like Morning Musume too though. You like them ?”

Hiroko said “Yeah I do, but they’re not so popular anymore” and I said “I know. Everyone’s into AKB48 now. I don’t like them. They’re just trying so hard to be Morning Musume and they seem to think if they cram three times as many members into the group that it’ll make them more popular” and Hiroko said “I agree. AKB48 suck. They’re so generic and manufactured” and I said “Yeah, and they don’t have Tsunku behind them to teach them. They’re not in the same class as Momusu, so it’s such a shame that they’re popular now and Morning Musume isn’t” and she said “Heh yeah, I remember listening to Morning Musume back in high school, they’re that old” and I chuckled and said “Yeah, I’ve been into them for years”. I’m so glad I was able to talk about Morning Musume without anyone thinking I was weird.

The BBQ’ing duties were passed around all night, but as other people drank I seemed to get landed with it more and more often. Everyone said that’s because I was an Aussie and therefore born to BBQ, which I agreed with. One of the guys had brought heaps of marinated chicken feet and after I cooked them up I said “Wow. I haven’t eaten chicken feet before. This will be interesting” and he said “Not only that, but now you’ve become a master chicken feet BBQ expert !” and I laughed and said “I guess so”. There was a great variety of food. We had heaps of squid and there was tuna heads (yeah I know, ick) and big slices of salmon and pork and someone had some delicious home made shish-kebabs that were really good, and there was interesting little pieces of crumbed fish with garlic and butter wrapped around little vegetables and there was lots of chicken drumsticks but for some reason none of the Vietnamese people knew the word “drumstick” and we were all explaining that westerners call them “drumsticks” rather than just “legs”.

So I mean the food was great and I had lots of people helping me and I would just plate it up and people would walk around offering it to guests. When I took a break from BBQ’ing and let someone else take over I went and got the chips and peanuts that we’d brought and wandered around offering them to people. Everyone was like “Wow, you’re such a great host” and I was like “No kidding, and it’s not even my party”, but you know, that’s what I love to do. When I go to a bbq, all I’m concerned about is making sure everyone is happy and well fed and fetching them drinks and offering them food.

There was this pretty Vietnamese girl who’s name I forget who was chatting to both Viet and I. She produced an envelope for a club nearby and Viet said “She wants to invite us to go to this club tonight” and I said “Nah not for me thanks. I can’t afford it and I’m sorta tired. I don’t wanna be out all night”. She was standing close to Viet and chatting to him lots and I leaned over and whispered “I think she likes you” and he he muttered back to me something like “I think she likes everyone actually”. I mean, I shouldn’t say this, but she was just seeming a little too friendly toward us. I can’t put my finger on why, because everyone was friendly, it’s just I felt a little intimidated by her, but then, I often am by pretty girls.

She wasn’t my type though. I did meet another Vietnamese girl who was probably even more friendly but just came off differently for some reason. Her name was Phuc and she worked in a hotel. She was just so charming and bubbly. She reminded me a bit of Thy from Secret Bar because she’d permed and lightened her hair. I mean sure, she was very beautiful, but it was mainly her personality that interested me. She just exuded charisma and she seemed so warm and open. I mean, I think she’s way out of my league because she was tall and I think she probably had a great body but I don’t really remember that well because I swear I just don’t focus on things like that. I just thought she had a very pretty face and a delightful personality. I chatted to her whenever I got the chance, but there were other people monopolising her time as well, so I didn’t get to talk to her as much as I would have liked.

I met a great German guy called Maurice. He was a freelance graphic designer and I said “Oh, I’m a freelance web developer. I do layout and programming but I’m terrible at actually drawing artwork” and he said “Well I’m the opposite. I draw great but I can’t code” and I said “Wow, we should really work together. I love working with other people on stuff and I routinely work with people on the other side of the world” and he said “Oh I agree. It’s so easy to collaborate and work together with people even without ever seeing them in person. You should get my number and we can do some work together some time”. “Absolutely” I said and pulled out my phone and got his number and promised to text him my email address later. He was a great young designer who sounded like he had talent and he was friendly and enthusiastic about the idea of working with me on something. We talked about how awesome freelancing was and how it gave you the liberty of just running off traveling and not worrying about work commitments like people who work in offices have to. I do hope we have an opportunity to do something together.

Who else did I meet ? Oh god, lots of people, though I couldn’t really remember their names and to be honest I don’t even really remember them all well enough to do justice to describing them, but I know if I saw them again it would all come flooding back and I’d recognise them immediately. The Irish girl was there again and it seems she lives with Eddie and while I got her name again, I immediately forgot it. I know it started with D, so I’m going to call her Drew. Damn my shitty memory for names. It was interesting though because Maurixky was there too and I was like “Oh this’ll be interesting. Those two don’t like each other” but I guess they kept out of each other’s way because there were no dramas.

Well, there was one big drama, but not between the guests. Everyone had parked their motorbikes in a local parking lot, and later in the evening someone wanted to retrieve their bike but they’d lost their parking receipt. Eddie just went over and got the bike for them and took it out. Weeeelllll, that wasn’t such a wise move. Some locals thought he was stealing it and they caled the police. A SHITLOAD of police turned up. When they all arrived and spilled out of their cars with like half a dozen of the extra-serious dark green uniformed guys and about the same of the blue shirted guys I thought “Ohhhh this is going to be interesting”. Eddie bolted inside when he heard them coming. I think he knew that it was likely to get reaaaally awkward and they may well want to take him to the station.

I just continued bbq’ing like nothing was going on and watched. The green-uniformed guys came up tried to talk to some people, but the police here never speak English. A couple of Vietnamese guys talked to them though and explained that Eddie hadn’t stolen the bike and that it belonged to someone from the party and they insisted that was ok, they just wanted to talk to him and see some ownership papers or something to prove it wasn’t stolen. Of course the person with the bike had already gone home so that wasn’t possible.

The police had and English speaking guy turn up to assist them. He wasn’t uniformed but he obviously worked with them and he explained they just wanted to talk to Eddie and have him explain it. Drew tried to defuse the situation by saying that Eddie didn’t live there and only she lived there and that Eddie had just come back and gotten his shoes and then left. I sorta didn’t think that was the best approach, because it was just going to make Eddie look guilty, but she kept on that tack, insisting Eddie wasn’t there. They said they weren’t leaving until they spoke to him. It went on for about 20 minutes and she tried calling Eddie on my phone and I texted him and said “Man, I think you should just come down and talk to them” but he didn’t respond.

It was a little bit of a lame approach for him to just hide inside like that and leave us all outside to fend off the police, but he didn’t know how they were going to act, so I understand his reluctance to come out and speak to them because it wasn’t really his fault. To be honest though they were incredibly reasonable. Had this been Australia, they would have barged straight in without an invitation, demanded everyone’s ID, probably searched us all, and then torn the house apart looking for the person they were after. I mean, back home, these guys would have had a field day bossing us around and questioning us and intimidating us, and one of the Vietnamese guys I was talking to kept saying “Yeah, they are being really cool about it”, and they were. But they also didn’t look like they were in a hurry to leave.

The English speaker with them said they wanted to come inside and look around and see if maybe Eddie was inside, but he didn’t insist. He just said they wanted to. I turned to my friend and said “Why haven’t they just done it ? In Australia they wouldn’t ask to come inside, they would just force their way in. They’d break down the door if they had to” and he said “I think they just don’t want to cause a fuss. It’s difficult for them because he’s a westerner and they don’t want to anger anyone so they’re just playing it cool. They probably won’t come inside if we don’t invite them”

I suggested that maybe everyone except the people cooking should go inside because maybe if we weren’t all on the footpath outside they might get bored and give up. Out of sight, out of mind, you know ? It sort of worked too, because Drew got everyone inside and then half-shuttered the doors and the green shirted police all left and just the blue-uniformed ones remained. Eddie’s landlord turned up, and a Vietnamese guy said to Drew “That’s your landlord, you should talk to her”. She went over and talked to the woman and apparently she was very friendly too and not bothered. She was just curious why we were all there and so many people had been invited. Not that it was massive. There was maybe 40 people there at most. I think she just wondered how a westerner happened to know so many Vietnamese people.

One of the Vietnamese guys who had ALSO spent time in Australia said “You know that kid in Australia who had that big party ?” and I laughed and said “Corey !” and he goes “Yeah, Corey Worthington” and I said “How could we forget ? He was so famous for a split second in history. He got a Wikipedia article and everything, but they took it down again because they said he wasn’t important enough historically”. But frankly, the fact that he’s well known on the other side of the world sorta indicates he WAS important historically and we joked about his stupid sunglasses and the way he’d joked around on TV when he was interviewed and the other guy said “Yeah, he got his own manager and he started hosting parties and stuff. He really hit the big time just by throwing a ridiculously huge party one night”.

Viet said he had to head off. He clearly wanted to stay, but it was already 10:30 and he had to teach a class in the morning and he said his boss was a real hard-ass and would be really angry if he was tired or functioning at anything less than 100% and while I knew I could have twisted his arm to stay because he was really enjoying himself, I knew it wouldn’t be responsible of me to do so, so I bid him goodnight and we shook hands and I said “Depending on what day I’m leaving, I’d really like to invite you down to District 8 to go out for dinner. I’m always eating out there by myself and I’d like to prove to all the staff that I actually have friends, especially Vietnamese ones” and he said “Yeah sure, I’d like that. I don’t know that area so I’d like to check it out. I think it’s probably a lot much more casual and local in that area and everything is cheaper” and I said “For sure. I love it, so I’d like to bring some people down that way to go out” and he said “Ok, well I look forward to it” and he headed off to get his bike, since presumably HE hadn’t lost his parking receipt !

Eddie still didn’t come down, which I understand. He didn’t know the police were being so reasonable. He was probably afraid that the moment he showed his face they were going to drag him off and chuck him in jail until they were ready to question him. It wasn’t really his fault. It was really the fault of the guy whose bike it was for causing all this fuss over a lost parking receipt. Thankfully though, the police did finally give up and go home, as did all the rubber-necking onlookers who’d come out to see what was going to happen. It was quite amazing the way just as the police turned up, so did dozens of Vietnamese locals who just stood around and milled among the police wondering “What’s happening ? Is someone going to be led away in handcuffs ?” I must say though, while the police were persistent, they were nothing if not polite and calm. There was no yelling or bossing people around. They didn’t even raise their voices once. They just calmly said they’d like to speak to Eddie if possible so that he could explain what happened and maybe contact the owner of the bike so that he could provide proof of ownership.

Frankly, I think it’s great that they were so on top of a potential motorbike theft. In Australia, police don’t give a fuck about stuff like that. They would have been like “Yawwwn. Call it in tomorrow and if we have time we might send a guy out to look into it” and that would have been the end of it. In Australia, the police don’t care about helping people find stolen vehicles or property. They only care about bossing people around and arresting drunks and harassing people for no reason and flexing their muscles. It was really eye opening to see this and think “Wow, Vietnamese police seem so reasonable” but I know they were obviously being extra reasonable because we were all foreigners other than the couple of Vietnamese people remaining, because there are times when they’ve been known to be very aggressive and on some occasions they’ve beaten people up, but there was no way in hell they were going to do this in front of a whole bunch of foreigners because it would have made the news around the world, so they handled things very delicately and I think we all really appreciated that.

But they left thankfully and we all relaxed and joked and finished off the last of the booze. Things had quietened down by that time and the charcoal had run out and we’d cooked pretty much all of the food. It’d been a great bbq. At the start I remember so many people saying “God I’m so hungry” and by the end of the night everyone was saying “Oh I’m so full. That food was all so good”. Being a good host as I was I went around and cleaned up so that we didn’t have rubbish laying around outside the place so that Eddie’s landlord didn’t think he was a difficult tenant. I found some plastic bags and picked up all the rubbish outside and Lil, who was still there joined in and we cleaned the place up really well and left everything neatly bagged up inside. I joked to her “Really seems like my party doesn’t it ? I’ve been cooking all night, serving people food and now I’m cleaning up the place”.

It was great fun playing host. I mean, I love doing that. Cooking and serving people snacks and offering them food. Noone was in a hurry to come and eat the salmon, but it looked delicious and one of the Vietnamese-Aussie guys said “We need more bread for all this food. You want me to go get some ?” and I said “Sure, if you want to”, so he disappeared and came back with a bag of bread rolls and I cut up the big salmon steaks and sliced the bread-rolls in half and I carried them around to everyone saying “Salmon rolls ? Tasty salmon rolls !” and a few people said “Sure, I’ll try that” and I remember afterwards them coming up and saying “Those salmon rolls you made were delicious. So well cooked and tender” and I chuckled and said “Thank you, but I’m not even sure who supplied the salmon. There was just heaps of there so I cooked it all up” and they were like “Well it was delicious. You’re a great BBQ chef” and I grinned happily.

Maurixky and Lil were leaving and Maurixky said “Come on David, come out with us. We’re going to a bar. I haven’t seen you in ages. You HAVE to come with us”. She was very convincing. I must say, for someone who doesn’t drink, Lil is a real party animal and it seems she’s out late every single night partying with people. I can’t keep up with her, that’s for sure. Maurixky was being so nice and friendly and since I left with them and was walking in the same direction I sighed and said “Well, I can’t afford to drink, but I suppose I could come check it out. Where is it ?” “District 10″ she said and waved vaguely. I was like “Oh, that’s even further for my home I think. But oh well, I’m so far from home now that what difference is a few extra kilometers going to make ? I’ll come” and the three of us piled into a taxi and headed off.

As it happened, it wasn’t District 10 at all. It was District 1, just near the Caravelle Hotel, only a couple of blocks from Apocalypse Now and Bar Number 5 in the opposite direction to where she had indicated, which was a big relief because it actually brought me within reasonable walking distance of my home. Well, not reasonable to most people, but I happen to enjoy walking home at night and while I could have caught a xe om, I knew I wasn’t going to. We turned up at this place and there were some guys from the party standing outside. They said the place was going to close soon and they were all debating where to go. This guy was like “Let’s go to Apocalypse” and I was like “Oh seriously ? Come on, that place is so shit. Unless you enjoy standing in darkness rubbing shoulders with prostitutes and listening to deafeningly loud top 40 garbage”. The look he gave me told me he sorta DID like that sort of thing, but he said “You know somewhere better ?” and I asked “What time is it ?” and he said “Midnight”.

I said “Secret Bar is open for another two hours” and he said “What’s that ? Never heard of it” and I said “I dunno, maybe it’s not your thing. It’s quiet. Probably wouldn’t be a dozen people in there tonight drinking. It’s a quiet little bar”. He sorta looked disinterested so I didn’t push the matter, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to go in and see Hoa there yet. I do want to drop in and say goodbye before I leave, but I want to be mentally ready for it, and I wasn’t tonight. I was tired and a little sick and for some reason I was feeling a little depressed even though I’d had a great night. I decided to part ways with them all and head home. I’m an old man now, you know. I may be about the same age as Lil, but I don’t have her energy. Sometimes I do and I will drink until dawn, but I’ve done that to death and I’m a bit sick of it, so I just bid them all a good night and took off walking.

I walked along, smiling and shaking my hand at the many offers of motorbikes, massages, marijuana, blow jobs, hand jobs, and whatever other bizarre things you get offered late at night on the streets of Saigon. One guy was really insistent and was following me up the street going “No, I can get you very, very pretty girl. Give you good massage. Good blow job” and I shook my hand and very firmly said “No. I don’t want that sorry” but he made a wanking motion with his hand and I burst out laughing and said “No, I don’t want that either thanks” and just kept walking and he eventually gave up.

I was feeling really depressed and quite annoyed at this point and I couldn’t for the life of me work out why. I’d had a great time tonight and met some lovely people. I think I was pretty annoyed with myself for not getting Phuc’s number because she was really nice and I would have liked to hang out with her again because we seemed to get along well. When she left I had promised to catch up and asked her if I could contact her through Eddie and she said she didn’t really know him well but that she was sure he could track her down. I really should have asked for her number but I’m just a bit shy. I’ve never met a girl and then asked for her number the same night before and I would have been a bit embarrassed but looking back I wish I’d done it. Not because I thought that she would go out with me because she left with a guy who I think was probably her boyfriend but because she was nice and I would have at least invited her to meet up for drinks some time. But sadly my stupid shy nature didn’t allow me to do it, even though she seemed like she would have been happy to stay in contact. Oh well.

Speaking of girls though, I hadn’t really intended to, but I somehow ended up in Hoa’s street, which is a hard task because her street is only about 300 meters long. Maybe my subconscious took me there on purpose. I figured I’d walk past and have a look, and as I did one of the guards outside recognised me even though I hadn’t been there in at least a month and said “Hello sir !” and leapt to his feet to open the door, but I shook my head and said “No thanks. Not tonight” and I just glanced in as I walked past. It was quite busy inside, and who should I see right inside, but Hoa with her back to me, running through the bar on ridiculously tall high heels, taking tiny steps due to her high shoes and tight dress. I wasn’t sure whether to be amused or sad. I must admit I felt a pang of longing.

I mean, Hoa didn’t really scam me, but she was a gold digger and when I made it clear I wasn’t giving her any more money, she lost interest in me, but we did have a lot of fun in our time together. Going to the park was great and taking her out for coffee and dinner and the movies was always lovely, but I’ll never forget that time we had that pillow fight in the lounge of Secret Bar. That was such a great, fun experience and I’ll always remember that, and even though our relationship ended almost as quickly as it had begun, it was a lovely few weeks and she obviously had quite an impact on me for me to still feel this way about her. Even when she was whinging about being boring and broke all the time she was still funny somehow and the way she smiled and laughed was so charming. I doubt I even cross her mind these days but I think of her from time to time, and walking past her bar and seeing her awkwardly running around serving someone made me both want to laugh and cry. She wasn’t right for me, and it was a bit weird at times because of the way she would always whinge about how unhappy she was, but we had some great times and I’ll always think of her fondly.

I kept walking home and a few other things happened but they weren’t particularly memorable. I think maybe seeing Hoa and reflecting on things cheered me up a tiny bit because I didn’t feel so annoyed after that. I was still feeling really depressed, but I worked out why it was. It was because I was leaving. I really, really don’t want to go home. I’m enjoying myself so much here and meeting such great people. I was really glad I invited Viet along because I remember one of the first things I overheard him saying shortly after we arrived at the party “This is the first time I’ve really been out and networked like this”. Maybe he doesn’t go to parties, especially ones with people from such mixed backgrounds and I think he was really happy that I’d invited him because he clearly had a great time and was very reluctant to leave.

I love that I can sometimes bring people together like that. I mean, sure it was Eddie’s party and pretty much everyone brought a friend, but I’d only met Viet because I posted onto the PMHN forum and he had said “Hi, if things are a bit rough for you work-wise, maybe we could catch up and I’ll buy you dinner” and I said “Well, I’m not at the stage where I can’t eat, but sure, I love meeting new people” and now I feel we’re good friends and we’re going to parties together and he’s thankful to be invited along to mix with such a wide range of interesting people, and believe me, everyone there last night was very interesting.

So going home is going to be so awful. Not because Australia is going to suck, although it sort of is, but it’s just that I’m going to be imagining all my friends here having so much fun without me. It’s like having a great circle of friends that you have lots of fun with and then being told “Ok, you’re now being forcibly relocated to the Antarctic for work for four months” and you’re like “Awwww, but everyone else is going to be having fun without me and they’re going to forget all about me”. But I have to go home sooner or later. I didn’t come here well prepared, and I have things I have to do at home, like seeing Suki and my family, and sorting out my divorce and getting my certificate of single status just in case I DO want to get married again. I’m not going to fuck around about that this time either.

I’ve given Jo chance after fucking chance to sort that shit out and she just fucking lies and makes excuses and refuses to sort it out. I can’t even understand why she’s doing that and what she has to gain by not doing it, but I don’t care. I’m going to locate Michael and tell him. Once he knows she’s still married he’ll be on her back constantly to sort it out. It would be horribly embarrassing for him to realise that he’s sleeping with a married woman who’s carrying his illegitimate child and that his engagement to her is invalid. But I’m not doing it out of spite. I’m doing it because I just genuinely need to sort this out, and after I leave Australia I won’t have another chance so it absolutely HAS to be done during the small timeframe that I’ll be there and I know that Jo will fuck me around over it so I have little choice but to go to Michael and tell him what’s going on, and I’m positive he will get on her back and insist that she resolve it.

So if you’re reading this Jo (which you probably are), look out. I’m not fucking around this time. You blew chance after chance to sort this out and you’ve lied to me, your boyfriend, the government, my parents, your aunt. You’ve lied to everyone when all you’re being asked to do is sign a simple piece of paper without fuss and without filling it with the lies and bullshit that caused it to be rejected last time. I know you’re a bitter hag that just wants to fucking accuse everyone around you of fucking up your life but it’s utter garbage and if you won’t be reasonable and stop this shit, I’m not going to just lay down and put up with it anymore. You ARE going to finalise this divorce WITHOUT the bullshit and drama and you ARE going to let me see Suki, and you AREN’T going to pull any of this “Oh I have conditions and I want you to go see a psychologist and get a psychological evaluation” shit on me.

Fuck you Jo. You’re the one with the fucking mental problems you nutcase and I am not going to jump through these absurd hoops and go and get psychological evaluations and shit before I see Suki. If you try and fuck with me, believe me, I can fuck you back ten times worse. How do you think Michael would feel if he knew that you were an ex-heroin addict and that that scar on your arm is from shooting up drugs until your veins collapsed ? I don’t WANT to do that because I don’t hold grudges and I would like for you to be happy, but if you’re going to pull any more bullshit on me and try and put these absurd fucking conditions on me seeing Suki, I will seriously fuck your happy little life over.

You have a lot to lose right now. You’ve got two kids and a boyfriend who wants you to go out and earn a living. If your police officer boyfriend finds out you’re a junkie and that you’re still addicted to painkillers and he decides to leave you or something, your life will be FUCKED, so don’t try and fuck with me, ok ? I would prefer to play nice and be friends, but you’ve already indicated you don’t want to be friends and that you refuse to let me see Suki until she’s old enough to decide for herself, but frankly, I’m not going to put up with that shit. You’re going to let me see or I will seriously rock your pathetic little world. I’ll hack your Facebook account and burn your virtual homestead in Frontierville to the ground. I’ll poison all your Farmville crops with Agent Orange. See if I don’t. You don’t want to piss me off.

Oh shit. I didn’t mean for this post to end up like that. It was supposed to be a happy post about a great party. Tell you what, that shit was all just for her. For you other readers, let’s have some photos of people being happy and having a great time ! Wow and I only wrote 9,000 words ! Enjoy !