This photo is from SO long ago. Like about 5 or 6 months. I took it when I was in Toowoomba to see a client. I had caught the train down and arrived at about midnight. Not knowing what to do and being reluctant to pay for a hotel for the night, I decided to walk the 12 km or so, dragging my suitcases to the university lodge where I intended to stay for the week. I had been a student of the university there several times over the years so I felt sort of reassured to go back to it, and I left my suitcases near the refectory entrance and scaled the locked gate of the university’s beautiful Japanese gardens where I had spent so much time many years ago. I curled up under a sakura tree and went to sleep.
I had been chatting online as I did this and I had my tablet and phone sitting on the ground beside me. When I woke up as the blazing sun started to make it unbearably hot to lay there and I heard other people wandering around the gardens I looked down and saw the most amusing sight.
My Samsung phone has an animated screensaver of sakura petals falling. While this was running, a real, genuine sakura petal had fallen directly onto the screen. Realising the beautiful irony of this I immediately grabbed my tablet and took a photo. It was just beautiful. Just looking at this makes me feel peaceful and happy, remembering all those many days I spend lounging in the Japanese gardens or helping the gardener rake pretty curved patterns into the sand on the footpaths or stones in the gardens.
It’s cute, because it’s ironic. But to me it means a whole lot more.
You love when I share random Asian music with you, don’t you ?
Well, let me share a song with you. It’s from the Card Captor Sakura soundtrack. It’s called “Super Duper Love Days” and it’s a beautiful song. I remember it was one of the songs I burnt onto CD for Jo and I to listen to as we traveled around New Zealand. We would be driving along in our huge motorhome, listening to anime theme songs and this one would come on and we would both sing along to the chorus, and after the chorus I would sing “love love love love love”. It was funny.
I know I’ve talked about Jo a lot lately. I have said some mean things about her because she’s turned into a bitch and she acts like I’m some sort of horrible person and we had a terrible marriage when in fact we loved each other very much and we had a wonderful marriage. But I guess she has to justify to herself why she left, and she has made up all this bullshit in her head about me to make herself feel better about being a total fucking cunt.
But there was a time when we were happy and we were traveling around New Zealand together having the time of our lives, watching sheep pass by the window and taking photos of the countryside and listening to Card Captor Sakura soundtrack music and singing along.
This song’s not for her. Sorry, Jo, you don’t get a song dedicated to you until you stop being a cunt and let me see Suki properly without all your bullshit restrictions. I don’t even know what fucking retarded shit you want to force me to do now before I go see her and frankly I don’t give a fuck. I’ll see my daughter and you won’t stop me. You’ve seen Falling Down, right ? Well I’m Michael Douglas and I will FUCK YOU UP if you don’t let me see her. Hahahahaha.
Just kidding. Anyway, here’s a pretty song. The chorus goes “Itsu ka super duper love days hajimaru” which I think means “When will super duper love days begin ?”
Well, listen to this song and let your Super Duper Love Days start right now. Except Jo. Fuck her. Hehehe.
It was after 10pm at night. I’d been drinking cheap Vietnamese $3.50 brandy and cheap Vietnamese $1 wine this evening and chatting on irc. I’d eaten most of my snacks and I wanted something else. I didn’t want to go to CauXuang and get ostrich and I’d already been to my other favourite place once today for Singapore noodles and vegetables and I was bored of my regular pho cafe so I wanted something different.
I didn’t really care what, but I wanted it to be different. I went walking down Pham Hung. Lots of things were closed but lots of things were open too. It was a lively night but not the most lively. Some people said hello as I past and motorbike guys would try and get my attention. One guy saw me and recognised me and said “Hey. Pham Ngu Lao ?” and I laughed and looked at him and said “Toi. Quan Tam !” to try and get across that I lived in District 8 and just because I sometime visited Pham Ngu Lao doesn’t mean I lived there or wanted to go there every night.
I walked past a tiny cafe. Something caught my eye about it. It was that they had wicker chairs. Everyone else has plastic or aluminium chairs but this place had nice wicker chairs and even after I walked past it, something in my mind said “Hey, that place looked ok. Go back and have another look”. So I did. I turned around and walked back and peered in under the awning. There was noone there eating, but they had these nice wicker chairs around the tables which caught my eye and somehow elevated it in my mind beyond the average pho cafe.
I walked in and sat down. The main waiter came up and he looked at me with this wry grin on his face thinking “This is going to be interesting. No westener ever drops into my place”.
I said “Saigon Do” and he nodded and called to a young girl who rushed off to bring me a beer. I looked back at the guy and said “Pho, bo ?” and he shook his head. Awww, they don’t serve noodles ? I asked “Com tam ?” asking for broken rice. Maybe I didn’t pronounce it right or something but he shook his head. I didn’t really care what I ate. I was brave and I was willing to eat anything as long as it was cheap, which this place would obviously be.
I said “Bo ? Ga ?” and shrugged my shoulders in order to try and convey that I didn’t give a shit what I ate. Give me beef or chicken, I don’t fucking care. He pulled half a chicken off a hook and threw it on a plate and held it out to me. I shook my head. No, I don’t want half a chicken. I want some rice or some fucking noodles or SOMETHING with some variation. Not half a fucking chicken. Hell, I wasn’t even sure he was going to serve it to me cooked. He just thrust half an uncooked chicken in my face because the only word I said that he recognised was “ga” which means chicken.
I shook my head and made an eating motion and said “Com ?” and he turned to the girl and said something. The hilarious thing was that she was wearing a shirt that said “I (HEART) GEEKS” and I thought to myself “You have absolutely NO fucking idea what that says, do you ?”
Anyway she ran off and came back and stuck a bowl of soup in my face. It apparently had no meat and no veges, it was just some sort of rice in some kind of flavoured soup. Ok. That was basically what I ordered. I asked for rice, and I got it. At least in some sort of weird soup form. I nodded and said “Ok” and accepted it.
It was fucking good. I mean it was really, really tasty. It’s not that I was starving or really hungry. It’s just that this particular rice soup was bloody nice. I ate all of it. Right down to the last spoonful. I turned to the girl and said “Em oi ? Tinh Tien”. I learnt that off Viet. I have heard it before, but I wasn’t positive about how to say it, but he said it slowly for me. It means “bill”. It’s just how you say “Ok, enough eating and drinking. Tell me how much I owe”
She nodded and grinned and ran off to the cash register or calculator and came back with a handwritten receipt that said that I owed 8,000 dong for the single beer and and 7,000 dong for the meal. I was thinking “Wow. Fuck me. I just paid 68 cents for a beer AND a meal and I’m now happy and full and willing to go home. That is hella fucking cool”.
Anyway, the dude was packing up and I had finished my meal and my beer so I paid my bill and I went home. Simple as. Good night though, right ? I don’t even know what the name is for what I ate. I could guess and say “Com Sup” but I’m not sure if they’d know what I was asking for if I asked for that. Anyway, it was good.
Ultimately I spent 68 fucking cents for a very tasty meal and a beer. Do I look unhappy with that ? No. I do not. It was very good and precisely what I wanted. I wanted a cheap meal from somewhere nearby where I’d never been that would satisfy me and be different from what I’d eaten elsewhere. I got exactly that, for a bargain price. I was happy.
Oh. I forgot one detail. There was a con meo there. “A what ?” I hear you ask. A cat, stupid. It was a little kitten no more than a year old and it walked up nearby to me and flopped on the ground beside me. I leaned over and put my hand out and said “Meo Meo Meo Meo Meo” thinking that it wouldn’t possibly get up and approach me, but it did. It walked over and rubbed against me. It was still a bit scaredy and at some loud noises from outside it would jump backwards and lift its ears and look around. But for the most part, it was very relaxed.
It sorta figured that anyone within its territory must be an OK person and it came up and rubbed against my hand and I scritched it and patted it on the head and it was supremely happy and it flopped down within arm’s reach of me so that I could scritch it more and when I went to do so it gnawed my hand and kicked at my hand with its back feet as a cat will do when it’s playing with someone.
Ahhhhh. Even if nothing else was worthwhile and if the food sucked and I didn’t want to eat it, I would have paid 68 cents just to play with this cat. I miss my cats back home. I’m going to see them next week though. I know Darwin’s going to ignore me and go “Fuck you. You left me. How dare you come back so many months later and expect me to care about you”, but Maccy is going to go “Oh Pawz. I’ve been with you for 11 fucking years and you have NEVER left me so for so long. I was so worried you were never coming back to me. I am so glad you came home. Please… scritch me behind my ears…. slap me on the rump and pick me up and cuddle me because I miss you so much because you have been there for me my whole life”.
Well. Maybe I’m putting too much into their heads but I don’t think it’s too much to believe. Amy Winehouse was recently talking on Triple J about animal rights and saying that there was once a man who owned a pig, and when he died, that pig went and collected all his favourite things in the entire world and piled them up and then slept on them because it knew that its favourite person in the world was gone and it missed him and wanted to reexperience that love.
Which is why I direct you towards an anime. A short story to be precise. And not only that, but I will direct you to a shortened version of that short story.
It is the very first public work of my most famous Japanese anime director, Makoto Shinkai. It is a short work called “She and her Cat” of less than five minutes. It is about a lonely Japanese woman who got a cat and the story is told from the cat’s perspective.
I cannot embed it because the uploader has, presumably on the author’s request, refused to allowed it to be embedded in external websites, so even though I could get around it, I won’t out of respect to the author. Here is the link. Open it and watch it now.
Are you back now ? Have you watched it ? It’s pretty emotional, right ? Not everyone interprets it the same way. I have talked to people who have not gotten this meaning out of it at all, but I know that when my wife Joanna and I watched it for the first time we both got an odd meaning out of the story, and I am not afraid to tell you right now because I want to talk about it because I have never done so so publicly before.
I don’t know why I got this meaning. I’ve watched it again many times and I cannot tell what makes me feel this way. But for some reason we get the interpretation that the girl kills herself or that she goes away. You don’t see it. We know she is devastated and that she is upset and lonely. And the story ends without a conclusion, and for some reason I have always interpreted this to mean that the woman ends her life or goes away and leaves the cat, but there is really no evidence to suggest this.
The cat is so sad. The cat loves this woman. She is his whole life. His universe. He puts all his relationships with other cats on hold because he says “No, there is already someone who I love”. But the girl is too caught up in her own misery and sees the cat just as a pet, and while she loves him, he does not fulfill her life as she does his although he is still very important to her. And when her life goes downhill and bad things happen, it’s possible she ends it. And the cat is left alone.
It’s a bitter, sad story even though it should really be a simple story about an owner and her pet, but it makes me cry like a baby. My wife Joanna could not handle it and she cried so much. She said “I will never EVER watch that again. That is the saddest story I have ever seen in my entire life”. One time I tried to jokingly trick her into watching it by telling her it was something else, but one minute into it she said “This is ‘She and her Cat’ isn’t it ? You bastard ! I TOLD YOU I WOULD NEVER WATCH THIS AGAIN !!!”
If there’s one thing I once loved about Joanna, it wasn’t not her love of Asian music, because I got her into that, or her love of Japanmese horror movies because I got her into that too, or her love of Apple computers, because I was responsible for that also. (She was a copycat and would just borrow other people’s interests due to a lack of any of her own) But it’s the few things that she had her own opinion about, and “She and Her Cat” was one of them. She saw that short film and instantly understood what Makoto was saying and what the story he was trying to convey. She cried and was miserable and I comforted her that first time we watched it together and it was special.
Anyone can be into something and copy another’s interests, but that particular anime moved Joanna in a way that nothing else ever did in the 8 years I was with her. And that’s why it’s a special anime to me for many reasons. Personally, I love it on my own, but I think maybe I don’t love it as much as that first time that Joanna and I watched it together and we both cried and said “Oh my god. That poor cat”
So to the cute little black and white “con mèo” I met tonight. This story is for you. It’s about your brethren. It might not be real and it might not be about a specific cat, but it’s also about every cat and the way they feel about their owner.
So Maccy and Darwin. I know you’re mad at me for leaving you for so long but I’m going to be home soon I promise, and I’m going to give you big hugs and lots of kisses and fresh seafood. Don’t worry my boys. I love you and I haven’t forgotten you. I’ve just been busy. I’ll be home real soon. Promise.
Since I was talking about Michishige, let’s talk about something else Hello! Project related. It’s an OOOOOLLLLDDD video. I mean like 2004. Watch it first and then I’ll dissect it a bit.
First off, this is a great video. I mean it’s sheer choreography genius combined with one of Tsunku’s best happy, feel-good songs ever. And the fact that there’s 46 Jpop idols dancing in school uniforms doesn’t hurt.
Now at the time, when my wife asked, I used to say my favourite was Kago. Or Tsuji. Depending on my mood. Just because she liked them. Let’s look at them.
Jo preferred Kago, but I sorta preferred Tsuji coz she was so funny the way she was so addicted to food and would do anything for a food reward. They’d put her on gameshows and go “Tsuji, here’s a whole plate of cream cakes for you if you put on a stupid hat and wiggle through a tube on the ground with an egg under your chin and don’t break it”.
Tsuji would jump up and down with excitement at the thought of a big plate of cakes and she’d normally completely fail the mission and end up with egg all over her, and then start crying and they’d have to give her the cakes anyway to make her happy again. The funny thing about the pair was learning to tell them apart because they looked so bloody similar and Tsunku used to deliberately dress them and style them the same to take advantage of this. But there was an easy way. Wait till they smile. Tsuji’s the one with the huge vampire fangs, LOL !
Moving on to the next picture. Let’s look at who my real favourite was.
Iida. She’s the one on the left. Aahhh Iida was such a goddess. She played the “mature, reserved girl” who didn’t jump up and down and act like an idiot like the other girls. She was meant to appeal to guys who like the silent, bookish type. I normally like short girls the most, but every now and again people would put the sort of tall, shy girl that I liked into something. Iida into H!P, or Zakura into Tokyo Mew Mew or Sakaki in Azumanga Diaoh! She was also just really cool. I dunno why. She didn’t speak much but I always imagined she would be really smart. As it turned out when they were tested for academic ability she was sadly lacking, but I just try to block that out of my mind.
Next up let’s look at outfits. There’s something about this video that used to make me WTF 7 years ago when I first saw this video and still does it to me now.
Ok, The Hello! Project eggs are actually wearing pretty normal outfits right ? You sorta assume that coz they’re the youngest subgroup and so dorky and annoying that they’d be wearing something stupid. But surprisingly not. I’ll show you who is though.
What the hell ? Did Berryz Koubo have a wardrobe malfunction back in December 2004 ? Why are they wearing lumberjack outfits ? Someone please tell me what school this is supposed to be so that I can make sure none of my kids ever go there !
But who does the cutest pose in the clip ? Why, that’s easy.
It’s Michishige of course, living up to her motto of being ichiban kawaii. Trust her to do a neko pose.
It’s a good video. If you’re already a H!P fan you’re probably asking “Why are you reviewing a 7 year old video clip ?” Well, I dunno. Because I didn’t review it 7 years ago I guess ! Is there something wrong with that ? Better late than never and it’s still a great video and it sure takes me back to that time when I used to put that on the lounge room TV and sing along as I was working on my laptop.
Ahh, good times. Well, mostly. But you tend to focus on the best bits of history and ignore the bad bits hehe.
That’s my girl Michishige. I bet you’d look really cute too. Dare I even say “ichiban kawaii” ?
God I’m lucky Jo’s unlikely to be into Jpop anymore, otherwise we’d end up posting on the same Morning Musume fan forums and sitting on the same IRC channel. Hahaha, wouldn’t that be awkward ?
Oh I dunno. How about a motherfucken bunny rabbit with a pancake on its head ?
Now I know most of you are sitting there with your minds melting right now.
*drip* *drip *drip*
That’s the sound of your mind dripping out of your ears onto the floor as you try and comprehend why the bunny rabbit has a pancake on its head. But I know the more astute meme-watchers among you are going “Hey, that’s just Oolong. He was a meme that was big like a decade ago. He practically pre-dates lolcats !”.
Well yes, you’re right. That is Oolong and this is not a new and up-to-date story. But I could have SWORN I’ve talked about Oolong before and today for some reason I went searching my blog for him but for some reason I couldn’t find him, which is bizarre. So maybe I never blogged about him and I was just telling someone online. But I want to talk about Oolong because he was the coolest bunny who ever was a meme.
“Wait, ‘was’ ? Please don’t tell me Oolong met a tragic end !”
Yes, I’m afraid the man in the black cape did come for Oolong. Way back in 2003. But people still adore Oolong, because he was special. He was a bunny rabbit who balanced weird things on his head. His owner was a photographer named Hironori Akutagawa who lived in Hokkaido and I guess he ran out of things to photograph one day and he just said “Hey Oolong, would you mind if I put a pancake on your head and take a photo ? I’ll give you a lettucey treat if you let me”. (Actually, the first object Oolong ever balanced on his head was an empty film canister, but saying that doesn’t make my joke as funny).
So he began taking more and more photos of Oolong balancing weird objects on his head and posting them on his website, and eventually one day some person browsing along stumbled on it and went “OH MY GOD IT’S A RABBIT WITH A PANCAKE ON IT’S HEAD” and suddenly Oolong went viral and became known all over the internet. Yes he was a rabbit internet celebrity.
Doesn’t it piss you off sometimes when you want to get famous and have people adore you and worship you, and then a motherfucking rabbit gets famous for balancing a range of bakery items on its head ? It’s just not fair is it ? But then again. I’m just not as cute as a rabbit with a pancake on it’s head, am I ? People don’t see pictures of me and go “Awww that’s so cute. I have to paste that on Facebook and send a copy to my mum”. I wish I had Oolong’s appeal. You know, Oolong got a write-up in the New York Times ? Wasckally wabbit ! Akutagawa-san even did exhibitions of photos of Oolong around Japan. Goddammit, I gotta get me a trained rabbit. I want a photo expedition.
Sadly though, rabbits, like little Jacky Paper in Puff the Magic Dragon, do not live forever, and he showed signs that he was going to go, and on the 7th of January 2003, Oolong passed away. Akutagawa-san captured photos of Oolong’s final moments in a tribute to his fame and for all the people who loved him so much. Here’s a photo of Oolong’s final official performance in 2003, balancing a waffle on his head.
What are you staring at ? Ain't you ever seen a rabbit with a waffle on its head before ?
After Oolong passed away, Akutagawa-san decided he wanted another rabbit in his life that would balance things on its head for him, so he acquired a new rabbit named Yuebing (named after the Chinese word for mooncake, whereas Oolong was obvious named after the tea). Now Yeubing is cute, and he does balance things on his head, but, and I say this with all due respect to Yeubing, because it’s hard coming along and trying to live in the shadow of an internet celebrity like Oolong and do what he did, but no matter if you balance a whole stack of pancakes and maple syrup on your head (actually, can I see a photo of that please ? With a scoop of ice cream on top ?), you are never going to replace Oolong in our hearts.
Many people saw pictures of Oolong and the first thing they did was go and try and get their own bunny rabbit to balance pancakes on it’s head, largely unsuccessfully. People adored Oolong all over the world. When news of his passing finally reached the big wide interwebs, people mourned. Many tears were shed and many tribute videos were made. You can look at the others if you want, but I want to share the most famous one with you. This guy actually wrote a whole song about Oolong to go with the collection of photos of Oolong balancing different things on his head over the 9 years he was alive. It’s called “Bunny Heaven”. But I warn you. This is going to make you cry. I can’t watch this video anymore. It turns me into a wretched, sobbing mess. And if you’ve bothered to read this far, it’s going to make you cry too. If it doesn’t… YOU HAVE NO SOUL !
Well, rest in peace buddy. You’re definitely the most famous rabbit in the world in my mind.
Oolong’s page can be found here, but sadly most of the links are all dead now that Infoseek have closed up shop but thankfully, archive.org does have most if it archived, and you can use the WayBack Machine to view all the links on Oolong’s site. There are links to Yeubing’s site on there which work fine, but seriously, fuck Yeubing. Here is Oolongs introduction page (in English).
You can view any of the images by pasting the URL from Akutagawa-san’s website into the WayBack Machine at http://wayback.archive.org. Let’s hope that these photos stay online forever, and if you care about the longevity of bits of history like Oolong’s site, you can donate to the Internet Archive, which I think everyone should do at some point, because little bits of internet history like Oolong shouldn’t disappear. I hope people know who Oolong is in a hundred years. I’m sure he’ll be remembered long after I’m forgotten.
"Waddaya mean I have toilet paper stuck to me ? Where ?"
Oolong the rabbit. RIP.
July 28, 1994 – January 7, 2003
Ok, I just realised I’ve become a YouTube reviewer. I know. There’s a million people who do that, not to mention if you sit on Facebook or IRC or any forums, people will spam you with fucking YouTube links all day long. But most of them are absolute garbage and they are on all sorts of themes. I pretty much only post videos about Asian music and culture, so I have a theme. Therefore I should review YouTube videos that I like because other people who share my interests might then subscribe.
But most people who do that do it ON YouTube. They vlog, not blog. But I dunno if I want to do that. I’m not a big fan of the sound of my recorded voice. I hate it actually. I’m better with the written word. And besides. I mean, if you could watch either Ray William Johnson (The most subscribed to YouTuber in the world, and current Guinness World Record holder for that accomplishment) or me.. who would you watch ? You’d watch Ray, amirite ?
I know a great American couple who do two series of videos about Korea. One about the crazy things they sell in the shops there that make you go “WTF ?!” and another in which they review the latest Kpop that they’ve heard. They’re both full-blooded Americans. They just happen to have ended up in Korea and they want to tell everyone what a great place it is. Their show is called “Eat Your Kimchi” and their channel is called simonandmartina and if you enjoy Korean culture and music, I recommend you check them out because they’re a really funny pair and I always enjoy their videos. Here’s a recent “WTF” episode they did which typifies what they do.
And here is one of their Kpop review videos.
Since I’ve now put you onto them, I will try not to review anything they review, but I can’t promise because they review some great stuff and they really know how to find the weird stuff since they actually live there (the lucky buggers).
One problem with finding music videos from Asian countries is that you just don’t know what to look for. You can’t just go to Youtube and say “Show me some wacky Kpop vids YouTube plzthxkgo”. Watching a show like Eat Your Kimchi definitely helps, but there is another good way to find stuff. It’s an “aww duh” thing if you are seasoned YouTuber, but I’m not and I only recently started doing this. If you somehow stumble onto a music video that you like, don’t just check out the uploader’s channel.
Check out their profile and see who else subscribes to them, because you can find a lot of links to other great small channels by people who are into this music, and if you subscribe to them and tell YouTube to notify you of uploads, then in a matter of days, your email box will be filled with bubbly Kpop or Jpop of Vpop or Cpop videos or whatever you happen to be into.
Here’s something I stumbled across. I wanted a particular Vpop song that I’d heard a couple of months ago and I couldn’t remember the group’s name, and I couldn’t find it in my history, and so I was aimlessly searching, hoping I could find it, when I came across this. Just watch it and I’ll explain it afterwards. It’s called “Cute Viet Girl Rap – I love you mama” but sadly the girl is not credited by name.
Yeah ? Yeah ? You fucking FEEL ME ? How good was THAT ?! Is your mind blown ? Did you have to pick you jaw up off the floor ? How fucking KICKASS was that ? I know lots of people who read my blog are like “Fuck that Asian pop music, I’m not into that”, but if you just watched that video, you were fucking impressed. Admit it. I bet half of you even pasted that video’s URL onto IRC or Facebook or something didn’t you ? (If you don’t know how to, click the YouTube icon down the bottom right and it’ll open the video on YouTube’s site)
The guy actually had another video on his channel called (once translated) “Hot girl cute ears dancing to Wonder Girls”. Well, I can’t not click on that now, can I ? Ok Ok, You don’t want to see ANOTHER Wonder Girls fan video ? Oh, but believe me. You do.
All I could think throughout this video was “Either her parents own a costume shop, or she has a worrying hobby and a lot of spare time”. Can I level with you for a second on what else I thought ? “Wow, imagine being her boyfriend and just being able to say ‘Ok, tonight can you wear the pink nurse’s outfit ?’ and ‘Will you be the police woman tonight ?’ and ‘You look good as a schoolgirl in a sailor suit’”. Yes, I know. I have a filthy mind. But she’s just so cute and funny in these outfits I couldn’t help but think “Wow. I bet she would be fun in the bedroom with those”.
Ok, Ok, I’ll shut up. I have girls reading this blog, they’ll be facepalming and going “Oh pawz you idiot, shut your mouth quickly”. So anyway, after that, let’s move back onto my new most favourite subject – Teenage Asian girl rap music. I stumbled across this great Chinese girl rapping as well !
Man, at 2:04 when she says “Yo Yo” and goes into that next verse, I could not fucking stop myself. I was bouncing. I was sitting there nodding my head and bouncing up and down, that’s how good she was. By the end of that song I was just in rapture, bouncing along listening to her amazing voice. Eat your heart out Eminem. This girl gets me pumping more than your songs do. Apparently Mandarin is a great language to rap in.
I realise that I don’t really talk about Cpop do I ? Why not ? I love Cpop too sometimes, I just don’t have any favourite singers or groups that I can think of. But let’s remedy that. Let’s share some Cpop with you. I found a guy called skyming2008 who has on his channel a bunch of amateur fan videos of teenage girls singing on webcams. Most are fairly “meh” to be honest, but here’s a good one that I liked. The girl may look like 11, but if you read the description, it says she is 19 and comes from Sichuan.
“But Paaaawwwwwzzzz”, I hear you saying. “I love all this new Kpop and Vpop and Cpop you’re showing us, but you haven’t talked about Jpop in SSSOOOO long ! You used to talk about Jpop all the time and now you don’t. Don’t you love it any more ? Prove it. Show us some Jpop girl group. And can you make it so they dance around in frilly pink outfits wearing rabbit ears and gigantic floppy socks ?”
Of course I can. Have you no faith in me ? But you know what ? I’m gonna go back for the oldschool. I’m gonna show you Morning Musume. This isn’t actually a video I’ve seen before because it’s from only 2009 which is when I had recently broken up with my MoMusu-obsessed wife and I was taking a break from listening to them, so I missed this song’s release. *Shock* *Horror*. I know. Anyway, this is Morning Musume, with “Kimagure Princess”.
It’s also the last single that ever featured Koharu Kusumi. Oh my god. It was just like YESTERDAY that I remember seeing her audition as a toothy little 13 year old and jump up and down excitedly when she was selected. Jo and I sorta hated her. She was a stupid little bitch, and she was always trying to steal the limelight from Sayumi Michishige, who was our favourite and she became Sayumi’s rival, so I was never able to really like Koharu. You know. The rules of Jpop idol fandom are complicated like that.
But even though I thought she was a smartarse little bitch who thought she was god’s gift to the idol scene, I will miss her. Someone actually pasted a “demotivational poster” image (you know, a Lolcat style poster) that had her as the picture and some smartarsed comment about Japanese girls being cute or something and I was like “Oh, I know who that is ! That’s Koharu from Morning Musume” and the guy went “Trust you to know the name of a random Japanese girl on a poster. I bet you know her blood type too don’t you ?”
“Know her blood type? As I would know her blood type”, I scoffed. “Ok, she’s type A just like Sayumi Michishige”. I can imagine this guy facepalming on the other side of the world. He just says “You’re creepy”.
Whaaat ? I am not. Blood type is very important in Japan and is considered to be a far more important indicator of your personality type than your horoscope. Which is curious, but I do admit, I like the idea that you could determine someone’s personality from their blood type rather than the random moment on which they chanced to be born. And Jpop idols all tell you their blood type. It’s on their official fan website. I’m not creepy. Fuck you. There’s nothing weird about wanting to know a 13 year old Japanese girl’s blood type when you see her audition for a place in a pop group. Is there ?
Did I just hear someone says “But pawz, before you finish this lengthy Asian music revue, could we maybe just see one more cute kid singing Wonder Girls ? Something even more insanely cute and funny than you’ve shown us before ? Is that humanly possible ?”
No. I doubt it. That would require Koreans to have like a TV show where they did shit like let 4 year old kids on stage to dance to a whole medley of Wonder Girls songs. They wouldn’t do that. Koreans aren’t like that. Oh wait ? They are ? Ok, sure, let’s see it then.
Man, at 3:06 when she’s talking to the host and she goes “Unnh ! Unnh !”, I honestly could not stop laughing for ages. How damn cute is that kid ? But I think you’re probably thinking something like “There ARE other countries in Asia you know pawz ? Ahem. Where’s the damn Fpop ? You haven’t shown me any Filipino girls. Don’t you like them ?”
Get off my case. Ok. Here’s one.
Ok so I lied. That wasn’t Fpop at all was it. But it did feature a Filipino girl at least. It was sorta creepy though wasn’t it ? It doesn’t seem that odd to see a pre-teen girl dancing to the Wonder Girls in front of their dad and the video camera, but suddenly when they do it to the Black Eyed Peas you’re like “Ohh. Should I be watching this ? I sorta feel this should be the sorta thing you get on a dodgy Russian website after handing over your credit card number”.
It’s just maybe there’s a line, and maaaayyybe that parent crossed it. That’s all I’m sayin’. But back to the music. I know what some of you girls are saying. “Hey, pawz. You’re only reviewing videos of girls. That’s a bit sexist. I know you like girls and all, but I thought this was a music and YouTube review and not a soft porn festival. How about something to appeal to the girls ?”
Hmmmm, I admit, you do have a point. So some boy bands would please you ? How about Kpop group Blaq with their hit “Mona Lisa” ?
That’s alright isn’t it ? I don’t mind the music, and the music and lyrics are catchy, except for at 2:40 they all start screaming loudly in this high pitched tone and I’m like “Wow, do you boys even HAVE balls ?” Yeah I don’t like that bit. The rest is ok.
And 2PM are pretty cool. Everyone loves them. Even my 18 year old Vietnamese friend Gau last night said he liked 2PM, but to be perfectly honest, I think there IS a good chance that Gau is gonna grow up to be a lady boy. He just has that vibe. I’m telling you. When he sings Wondergirls songs and dances, he looks pretty damn gay. Unlike me. I mean. When I do it, that’s cool. What ? It is. Here’s 2PM’s hit “Hands Up”.
“Wait pawz, can you recommend me some Asian music that ISN’T going to make everyone around me question my heterosexuality when they catch me listing to it please ?”
OOOH, sorry. Yeah. Sometimes I get carried away with the cheesy pop music. Let me fix that situation for you. Let’s just jump on a plane and fly back to Kanagawa in Japan to listen Rip Slyme. They’re a great Jhiphop group that I’ve been into for many years and they’re not bouncy and silly and cheesy. They’re actually really, really good, melodic, mellow hiphop. Really fucking good tunes. If you like this track, I recommend you look them up and download some of their music. They are a brilliant hiphop group and their shit is all as beautiful as that, and also sometimes a bit funkier and livelier. Check them out.
“Hey pawz. Didn’t you promise us some music from the Philippines ? What happened with that. All you showed us was a dubious fan video of a Filipino girl. That’s not Fpop”.
Shit, you got me. How about Frock ? That sounds a bit like a dirty word doesn’t it ? Or a phrase that could be badly interpreted at a friend’s house.
“Let’s put on some Frock !”
“Yeah good idea. One second, I’ll do that. BRB”
“What the fuck. Why are you wearing a dress ?”
“But I thought you said … Oh. Nevermind”
Sorry, I’ll shut up and put on the Frock, but I warn you. You’re not going to believe this is from the Philippines. You’re gonna think it’s American pop rock. Not to say it’s bad, it just doesn’t sound like traditional Filipino music.
“Got any other countries to show us ? How about an Indonesian duet ? I bet you subscribe to lots of channels that post cheesy Indonesian love songs don’t you ?”
Oh piss off. You’re just making fun of me now. What’s that ? “Just answer the question ?” you say. Oh ok. I do. Screw you. Here’s Ari Lasso & Bunga C. Lestari singing “Aku Dan Dirimu”. It’s a good song. A little soppy and cheesy, but I found this one some time ago and it’s a cute love song. I can imagine a guy and a girl going on a date together at a cafe in down-town Jakarta when this came out in 2008 and this comes on the radio and they smile at each other shyly and both admit they quite like this song. You know it’d happen.
“But Indonesians must have cool music as well right ? If I got caught listening to that I think I’d die inside a little”
Yeah, I know what you’re saying. They do though. Check out Nidjiri with their song “Biarlah”. They sorta blow my mind a bit. They’re pretty awesome.
“Ok pawz. That was a cool trip around South East Asia. But that’s nearly two dozen videos. I’ve had enough. But it was fun. What are you going to show us next time ?”
I dunno. Something you’ve probably never heard of before. Definitely something cool. Because I only review cool music and cool videos. If you don’t agree it’s just because you have shitty taste.
So how was my first official YouTube review for you ? Did you enjoy it ? Am I the next Ray William Johnson, but in text form ? No ? Fuck you. I might be. Someone must like my shit. Seriously. Anyone ? Does anyone like the shit I review ? To steal Ray’s line for a minute, put your answers in the comment section … beeeellllooowwww.
Oh and not that you’re likely to be reading, because you’re a busy internet celebrity, but if you are because you saw a trackback when I linked to your channel or something then… Hi Ray ! I’m stalkin’ yo mom !
Until next time folks. This is Pawz “Molly Meldrum in SE Asia” Lion. Enjoy your Asian music and I’ll talk to you again soon ! Ja ne !
Do you ever wonder what snacks are like in a foreign country ? One of my favourite pleasures in Vietnam is going to a supermarket and just buying random snacks that I’ve never seen before. Unusual flavours of chips. Strange candies. Biscuits and little cakes. You find some really delicious stuff. The weirder it looks, the more likely I am to buy it. It’s fun to try new things like that.
My wife used to trade snacks with people in Japan. She would meet people on a penpal website and talk to them for a few weeks and then she would arrange to do a snack exchange with them. They would go to the supermarket and buy about $30 worth of random snacks like chips and chocolates and candy and they would post it to her from Japan and she would do the same thing in return with Australian snacks.
It was always exciting and fun to receive a huge box on the doorstep postmarked “Tokyo” and we’d run inside with it and tear it open wondering what strange and wonderful snacks she was sent this time. One of my favourites was this packet of chilli chips that was super, super spicy and had evil laughing jack-o-lanterns on it. I remember eating those chips and my mouth was just on fire ! It was like eating straight whole chillis.
Anyway you can do this too if you’re curious about what snacks are like in a foreign country. If you want to do it the way we did it, just find a penpal website and meet people and ask them if they’ll trade snacks with you. But there’s also a guy who does it professionally. I guess he knew people who wanted snacks from Japan and he started a website where you can subscribe for about $24 a month and twice a month he will send you random and obscure candy that you will only ever find in Japan.
He even has a YouTube video where he shows off one of the stranger items. It’s tiny hamburger candies, but each ingredient in the hamburger comes sealed in a different packet and you have to assemble it and put sauce on it and everything. I have to wonder, does it taste like a hamburger ? That’s some fascinating stuff. Here’s the video and a link to his website. If you’re bored of eating whatever snacks they sell in your country, why not just PayPal this dude $24 and get him to post you some candy from Japan ? It’ll be an experience, I assure you.
Come on. Own up. EVERYONE loves Kingdom Hearts. I remember when I read about it in a magazine before it was out and ran running to Jo saying “Look at this ! Square and Disney are teaming up to produce an adventure game with a combination of Disney and Final Fantasy characters !” She basically said “Oh. That’s nice” and that was it.
Until it came out and I brought it home and she watched me play the first section on the island and said “Oh that looks like SO much fun. Gimme that controller”. The next thing we knew, a week had gone by and we’d spent every spare moment on the couch bashing away at Kingdom Hearts. Her playing, me cheering on and occasionally looking up hints when she got stuck and sometimes taking over for her when she got frustrated during the boss battles.
Kingdom Hearts came out 9 years ago and it still captures people’s hearts. It’s a great game and had excellent presence and atmosphere and people are still making Kingdom Hearts fan art and music and such. A friend on IRC just finished an electronic remix of Utada Hikaru’s “Simple and Clean” (Aka “Hikari”) today and pasted a link to it. I’m going to share it with you because it’s just beautiful. It’s the same song, but it’s a little more melodic and beautiful. It’s an instrumental and it’s very sweet and uplifting. It has lovely acoustic guitar and flute and some Korg-ish synthesiser. Enjoy it. I did.
Jpop idol group AKB48 are a big group. They are a huge sensation in Japan and they have 61 (yes, 61 !) members, but for a new commercial they did for Glicko, they added a 62nd member named Eguchi Aimi to help advertise the product. Fans of the group immediately went nuts and ran around like crazy trying to find out her back story, reading her public profile page and asking “Who is Aimi ?”
Well, you have got to hand it to Glicko’s promotional people for pulling off the scam of the century and generating a massive amount of hype for this girl. Why ? Because she doesn’t exist. She’s computer generated. She is beautiful and she sing and she dances. But she doesn’t exist. They composited her out of the best features of all the other band members and then animated her singing, talking and eating candy with the other girls.
Noone really suspected despite there being some very subtle hints. She immediately gained a huge fanbase, despite existing in only a 15 second commerical. But on Sunday, Glico came clean and told everyone “We’re sorry guys, Aimi doesn’t exist. We made her up” and they released a video showing how she’d been created. Hearts were broken all over Japan. Or were they ? Hatsune Miku isn’t real either and she’s a massive pop idol in Japan, but she’s obviously computer generated. Aimi isn’t obvious, and if you didn’t know better, you would swear she was a real person.
So what does this mean ? Is that the way the world is going now ? We generate fake people to promote products and we lie to the public and tell them they’re real (at least for a little while) and create a huge sensation around them and then confess and say “Sorry, tricked you !”. She’s probably going to be even more popular now that people know she’s not real. Sometimes fictional people are easier to fall in love with because they don’t let you down in the same way that real ones do. At least we know that Aimi is never going to be involved in a sex scandal or be caught doing anything inappropriate for an idol to be seen doing.
So anyway, here’s Aimi’s commercial, and the video showing how she was created, and finally, her address to the world. Impressive stuff, right ?
I haven’t even made it to Natsumatsuri yet and I’m already have quite a Japanese morning. I was sitting in a coffee shop in District 1 having an omlette in the hopes it would settle my stomach and I realised I knew the guy sitting opposite me. He was an American guy who lived in Vietnam with his wife and his daughter went to university in Florida. I’d met him about a week ago at the bar. Amazing that in a city of ten million people I can run into people I know when I’m in a cafe miles away from where I met them.
He was chatting with a Japanese guy and talking about his daughter (in Nihongo) and I heard him say “Natsu” and then pause and I yelled out “Matsuri !” and he laughed. The Japanese guy looked at me with obvious surprise and asked “Nihongo ?” and I said “hai”. Then he asked “Natsumatsuri ?” and I said “hai” again. I returned to my meal, but when I paid my bill I got up and walked over to them and said “Watashi wa David” and then he introduced himself, but I couldn’t catch his name because he had a mouthful of food, but I said “Hajimimashite” and then waved and said “Ja ne” to him and then “Nice to see you again” to the American and headed off.
I reckon this Japanese guy must have been pretty amused to be sitting in a cafe in Vietnam speaking to an American and an Australian in his own native language and I felt really cool about being able to do it, even though it had been an incredibly simple conversation. Still, I was proud of my effort and it made me look forward to Natsumatsuri even more, although to be honest I’m really, really sick now and I just threw up in a park and had to lay down for a while because I was feeling so dizzy. I just need a little time to cool down though because the heat is killing me and I should be ok.
In July last year, Jpop singer and pianist Otsuka Ai announced her marriage to SU from the hip hop group RIP SLYME, breaking many fanboy’s hearts in the process, but at least she made a good choice in husband. SU is a cool guy and I think if she had to marry someone who wasn’t me, then SU will make her very happy I’m sure. In September, she announced at her live concert that she was three months pregnant and I for one was very happy for her.
When the earthquake struck Honshu in March, we were all worried for her, but she announced she was safe and well and expected her baby to be born in April, but in late March she gave birth early to a healthy baby girl. We may not find out her daughter’s name because celebrities in Japan demand a high level of privacy about their personal lives and especially their children, but Otsuka-san gave a public announcement on her blog recently. Here’s part of the message she put online:
Just recently….
I gave birth to a girl without mishap.
Mother and daughter are both safe.
I am full of appreciation after seeing this child who I have wanted to meet for so long.
I have been given a lifetime’s worth of happiness.
Thank you for coming, let’s walk on together.
Omedetou Ai-chin and Su and I hope you and your daughter are very happy together. I bet she’s going to grow up to be a beautiful and talented musician just like her mother.
I find the censorship of the music videos here to be so bizarre and random as to what gets censored and what doesn’t.
“Shit” gets censored. “Sex” gets censored. “Getting high” gets censored. In one song “bed” is censored. Seriously.
But in another song they say “moterfucker”, and in two different songs they say “faggots”.
That’s so strange and random. You can say “faggots” and “motherfucker” but you can’t say “shit” ? Very weird.
Getting a bit sick of hearing the same music and over though. Earlier I was laying in bed staring at the wall feeling sick and I was singing Gee to myself and I rolled over and looked at the TV which had the sound muted and they were playing it. I would laugh and say “What are the odds of that ?” but considering how many times per day they play it, it’s really not that odd at all.
I am feeling really, really terrible. My pee is brown and the other stuff is yellow. I can’t stop dry retching and I’m incredibly dehydrated because I’ve run out of water. I’m feeling pretty dizzy and lightheaded too. I thought I was coming good for a while. I started feeling better this afternoon, but then I started going downhill again. It’s no big deal though. It’s just a stomach bug. It’s not the end of the world. I just hope I recover enough by tomorrow to enjoy the Natsumatsuri, the Japanese Summer Festival tomorrow.
It’s being held just a few kilometres from here in District 1 and I’ve heard that last year they had tens of thousands of people attend. The girls all wear kimonos and do traditional dancing and they teach you how to fold origami and make japanese cakes and they have cosplay events and sell anime and manga and everyone plays lots of popular Japanese games like Fuku Warai (goldfish catching) and Suika
Wari (hit the watermelon) and while there won’t be hanabi (fireworks) the highlight of the event will be a “light pyramid” made of paper lanterns and carp flags.
I think that’s the main reason I knew I had to stay. I’ve watched them play Fuku Warai and Suika Wari a million times in different anime, and I’ve always wanted to do it. It’s Japanese music hour on Yan TV right now. They’re playing a song by Jin Akanishi that I haven’t heard before. I am gonna make it to that festival one way or another I swear. I’m going to watch the cosplay events and take photos and eat Japanese food and have a good time. They promise the anime will all be 50% off. I reckon that will make it pretty damn cheap, coz DVD’s are already dirt cheap in Vietnam. I wonder if they’ll be subtitled in English or Vietnamese.
It’ll be like someone’s transported me into an episode of Kanon. They will surely sell taiyaki as well. You can’t possibly have Natsumatsuri without taiyaki. It just wouldn’t be allowed. So I’m going to catch goldfish and smash watermelons and eat taiyaki. I don’t care how sick I am. You couldn’t keep me away from this festival tomorrow if you chained me to my bed. That taiyaki is going to be so good. I can almost taste it now.
I have a friend who’s sad right now because there’s someone that she has loved dearly for many years but who won’t be with her which makes her very depressed at times, and unfortunately there’s not much I can do to help because she knows I’m rather fond of her myself and it is a little weird for me to try and offer her comfort under those circumstances, but of course what I want most of all is for her to be happy.
A song just came up in my playlist which encompasses this perfectly. It’s a very beautiful but sad song by my favourite Japanese artist, Otsuka Ai called “Kingyo Kanabi”, or “Goldfish Fireworks”. On her DVD it is accompanied by a short film with only a couple of words of dialogue which explains the meaning of the song well even if you haven’t read the english translation of the lyrics.
In the film, a girl (played by Otsuka-san) is waiting at a train station for a friend who’s come to see her, and while she’s waiting she sees him arrive, but he gets a phone call from his girlfriend, so she hides behind the shelter on the platform, either because she’s shy and is uncomfortable hearing him talk to his girlfriend or because she just doesn’t want to interrupt and she listens. She clearly is a little sad to hear the conversation, and she stays there looking into space for a moment when he comes around the corner and sees her and greets her and suggest they head off together.
As they are walking, a sudden rain storm breaks heavily and they get very wet and are forced to run, hand in hand to an old temple nearby to shelter from the rain. As it eases off, he suggests they light the small fireworks that he’s brought for them and she nods silently, looking into his face with clear adoration. They light them and she is very happy. She savours the moment with the person she loves, even though he is not even aware of her feelings for him.
Unrequited love is one of the most beautiful and sad things in the world at the same time, and it’s something that always touches my heart. Sometimes being with the one you love doesn’t actually move you as much as the desire to be with them, which I guess is why sometimes the romance disappears once people become married. Once you have what you want, the unfettered desire often disappears and is replaced by lesser emotions such as contentment and security. Sometimes it’s the wanting that matters, not the getting. Treasure those feelings for what they are, and even if you think that you will never get what you want, it shouldn’t stop you wanting it. And now, I will let Otsuka-san’s beautiful lyrics speak for themselves, followed by the song itself. Her label refuses to allow her DVD version to be listened to on Youtube, so I have linked to a very beautiful live version from one of her live tours. Enjoy and don’t ever stop wanting what you seek.
Goldfish Fireworks (Kingyo Hanabi) by Otsuka Ai
The goldfish that swims in my heart is in love
Making these feelings grow stronger
Turning red, i knew nothing would come of feeling this way
But still i wished to stay with you.
The scent of summer in the rain
The goldfish fireworks trickling down
I was blinded by the light
Your kind face flashed for but one moment.
I hope that the goldfish swimming my heart
Is not engulfed in ugliness
Its life lasts just one summer
Even if its just for a little while,
I wished for your happiness.
The scent of summer, enveloped in the night
The goldfish fireworks trickling down
No words do it justice
Your kind face flashed for but one moment.
Someone on #japanese pasted this today, and it’s beautiful and I swear it will warm your heart. This woman is returning to her earthquake and tsunami-ravaged home to show a reporter the damage, and it’s clear her house has been badly hit by the tsunami, but when they go inside and survey the inside of her house, with the tree through the window and her water damaged lounge, they hear a pitiful meowing coming from upstairs, and her cat appears from around the corner of the stairwell. I believe the cat’s name is ノンノン, which translates to “NonNon”, which I’d like to think is named after Tsuji Nozomi’s nickname, but the cat looks too old, so I guess it’s just a name. Still, wonderful story. Video below.
You love when I share random Asian music with you, don’t you ? 
It was after 10pm at night. I’d been drinking cheap Vietnamese $3.50 brandy and cheap Vietnamese $1 wine this evening and chatting on irc. I’d eaten most of my snacks and I wanted something else. I didn’t want to go to CauXuang and get ostrich and I’d already been to my other favourite place once today for Singapore noodles and vegetables and I was bored of my regular pho cafe so I wanted something different.
Do you ever wonder what snacks are like in a foreign country ? One of my favourite pleasures in Vietnam is going to a supermarket and just buying random snacks that I’ve never seen before. Unusual flavours of chips. Strange candies. Biscuits and little cakes. You find some really delicious stuff. The weirder it looks, the more likely I am to buy it. It’s fun to try new things like that.
